Conflct Resolution

(These are notes for a talk given to the Southeast Baptist Association pastors' gathering 10-4-10)

1. Conflict will happen _ See Acts chapter 6.

“Wherever 2 or 3 Baptist are gathered together there will be 4 or 5 opinions.”

The Bible is true, we are all fallen, and therefore we WILL have conflict.

2. Conflict can be good – See Acts 15:36-41

Your church is a body. Conflict is the body crying out, “I am hurting, listen to me.”

Conflict is an opportunity to make needed midcourse corrections or refine the focus of your ministry with a team committed to common goals.

I BELIEVE THE MAJOR KEY TO MANAGING AND RESOLVING CONFLICT IS COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION.

Communication is much more abstract and therefore much more difficult that we usually realize. “I know you think you know that you believe you understand what you believe I said.” Every time we speak there are multiple messages bouncing around the room. This is by no means totally complete – There is what you intend to say. There is what you actually say. There is what you think you said. There is the message that each hearer believes you said.

Do you see how this can contribute to conflict and make the resolution of conflict very tricky indeed?
The hardest part of communication? #2 Framing a message well so that it is more likely to be properly understood. #1 Listening with accurate empathy.

3. James 1:19 “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” - LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN

If people feel they are not being listened to they will get more and more frustrated and angry. If people feel they are not being heard they will either intensify the conflict or leave the church.

“Listening with accurate empathy” = Listen to their hearts and not just their heads = pay attention to what people are feeling, not just what they are saying.

I believe people are more likely to fire a pastor because of what they feel about him than what they think about him. (Agree or disagree?)

3b. PRACTICE ACTIVE LISTENING SKILLS
See: http://stress.about.com/od/relationships/ht/howtolisten.htm - also good model for brief pastoral counseling.

Do not interrupt. Do not start planning your rebuttal. LISTEN FOR CONTENT AND EMOTION

Reframe what you have heard, “I believe I heard you say that you feel disrespected because you believe I did not listen to your request that I stop preaching 45 minute sermons while your roast is home burning on the stove, did I hear you correctly?”

Reframing = letting them know you are trying to hear them and giving them a chance to correct misunderstandings.
ACTIVE LISTENING IS ALSO EXTREMELY IMPORTANT IN MARRIAGES AND DEALING WITH YOUR CHILDREN!
‘Ten Strategies for Conflict Resolution’ (really 13!)- at least #3, 8, 9, 13 have to do with communication!
http://www.khpa.ks.gov/healthquest/download/resource_downloads/conflictresolution.pdf

4. What is the real message of the conflict?

What does it say about your church, the ministry of the church.

4b. What is the real issue?

“The issue is never the issue.”

Is it fear, power, control, unresolved anger or unforgiveness for what Pete’s daddy did to Joe’s uncle?

5. What do you feel about the situation?

FEEL not think & WHY do you feel that?

Are you fearful? Angry? Hurt?

Be aware of your feelings 1. So they do not drive your decision making unknown to you. 2. So they do not inappropriately erupt at a harmful time.
5b. How do you feel about conflict?

Hate it? Fear it? Love to butt heads to make your point?

How was conflict dealt with in your family of origin? What was your role in dealing with conflict in your family of origin?

6. If it’s not the fourth quarter don’t go for broke!

You can seldom settle a serious conflict in one meeting. Set realistic goals for preliminary meetings. Defining the issues and letting all parties know they are loved, respected and have a voice must be done upfront and may take a couple of meetings by themselves.

So, don’t put pressure on yourself to “fix” things quickly. But know you must quickly let people know you care and you are listening to all sides.

7. Some losses are really gains.

Apply this carefully – not all losses are gains. But some are.
Some people have something constructive to offer the kingdom of God as part of another church but not yours! Their personalities or gifting may not fit in your church.