How to End Marital Combat Or – How I Dropped My Sword and Shield and Learned to Love my Spouse

Nearly always marital conflict comes to involve childish behavior and condescending communication. A marital fight often resembles a middle school screaming match more than an adult discussion. The challenge is to own up to your own misbehavior and not get fixed on what you see as your spouse’s childishness. If they are acting childish it is very unlikely they will receive it well from you! Digging in your heels to try to force them to admit THEIR mistakes is likely to escalate the conflict not defuse it.

AVOID CROSS COMMUNICATION: Often one or both partners try to talk adult to child. “If you were responsible with our money, we wouldn’t be in this situation!” The result is you come across condescending and trigger more anger. Either your spouse gets hooked and reacts like a rebellious teenager, “You can’t tell me what to do!” Or, they try a reversal and talk down to you. It is not unusual for parts of a fight to involve child to child communication, “You NEVER listen to me” “You never respect me”.

SPEAK ADULT TO ADULT: The trick is to choose to genuinely speak to your mate adult to adult. This means no put downs, no sarcasm, no tricks and no games. We need to aim to treat our spouse (and other family members) with the same degree of respect and courtesy that we usually give to co-workers and common strangers! Sadly, we usually reserve our worst behavior for those closest to us. Relaxing and letting our hair down is one thing. Being mean and disrespectful is something else entirely.

DROP YOUR SWORD AND SHIELD! In the midst of a marital fight our body is reacting similarly as though we were confronted by an angry bear or were in the middle of combat. Brain scans show we use different parts of brains during anger or fear than we do when we are calm. These parts of the brain are not equipped for good reasoning, accurate memory, or fair assessments.

Part of “dropping your sword and shield” is adopting a team mentality. Your spouse is not your enemy. They are your team mate in life. The enemy is the misunderstanding or situation that causes marital stress. You and your spouse are on the same team. If one of you loses, the team loses. The team concept means you have to aim for win-win solutions.

Dropping your sword and shield will mean agreeing that either of you can call a time out at any time. Once either person has shifted into “flight or fight” mode constructive communication is pretty much impossible. A time out is needed. It’s o.k. to call a time out. It’s not o.k. to say “YOU need a time out!” (See “Avoid Cross Communication” above.) Either partner needs the right to call a time out at any time. Rather than anger, the problem may be exhaustion, a genuine lack of time due to unchangeable scheduling, emotionally not being ready. BUT WHOEVER CALLS A TIME OUT MUST TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR SUGGESTING A TIME TO RESUME THE CONVERSATION. A Time Out is not an excuse to stuff, bury or avoid.

Dropping your sword and shield means no name calling, no passive aggressive digs, no accusing, no eye rolling, and no sarcasm.

For more on communication in marriage see the two part “Do You Hear What I Hear” in my March 2010 blogs.

Conflct Resolution

(These are notes for a talk given to the Southeast Baptist Association pastors' gathering 10-4-10)

1. Conflict will happen _ See Acts chapter 6.

“Wherever 2 or 3 Baptist are gathered together there will be 4 or 5 opinions.”

The Bible is true, we are all fallen, and therefore we WILL have conflict.

2. Conflict can be good – See Acts 15:36-41

Your church is a body. Conflict is the body crying out, “I am hurting, listen to me.”

Conflict is an opportunity to make needed midcourse corrections or refine the focus of your ministry with a team committed to common goals.

I BELIEVE THE MAJOR KEY TO MANAGING AND RESOLVING CONFLICT IS COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION.

Communication is much more abstract and therefore much more difficult that we usually realize. “I know you think you know that you believe you understand what you believe I said.” Every time we speak there are multiple messages bouncing around the room. This is by no means totally complete – There is what you intend to say. There is what you actually say. There is what you think you said. There is the message that each hearer believes you said.

Do you see how this can contribute to conflict and make the resolution of conflict very tricky indeed?
The hardest part of communication? #2 Framing a message well so that it is more likely to be properly understood. #1 Listening with accurate empathy.

3. James 1:19 “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” - LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN

If people feel they are not being listened to they will get more and more frustrated and angry. If people feel they are not being heard they will either intensify the conflict or leave the church.

“Listening with accurate empathy” = Listen to their hearts and not just their heads = pay attention to what people are feeling, not just what they are saying.

I believe people are more likely to fire a pastor because of what they feel about him than what they think about him. (Agree or disagree?)

3b. PRACTICE ACTIVE LISTENING SKILLS
See: http://stress.about.com/od/relationships/ht/howtolisten.htm - also good model for brief pastoral counseling.

Do not interrupt. Do not start planning your rebuttal. LISTEN FOR CONTENT AND EMOTION

Reframe what you have heard, “I believe I heard you say that you feel disrespected because you believe I did not listen to your request that I stop preaching 45 minute sermons while your roast is home burning on the stove, did I hear you correctly?”

Reframing = letting them know you are trying to hear them and giving them a chance to correct misunderstandings.
ACTIVE LISTENING IS ALSO EXTREMELY IMPORTANT IN MARRIAGES AND DEALING WITH YOUR CHILDREN!
‘Ten Strategies for Conflict Resolution’ (really 13!)- at least #3, 8, 9, 13 have to do with communication!
http://www.khpa.ks.gov/healthquest/download/resource_downloads/conflictresolution.pdf

4. What is the real message of the conflict?

What does it say about your church, the ministry of the church.

4b. What is the real issue?

“The issue is never the issue.”

Is it fear, power, control, unresolved anger or unforgiveness for what Pete’s daddy did to Joe’s uncle?

5. What do you feel about the situation?

FEEL not think & WHY do you feel that?

Are you fearful? Angry? Hurt?

Be aware of your feelings 1. So they do not drive your decision making unknown to you. 2. So they do not inappropriately erupt at a harmful time.
5b. How do you feel about conflict?

Hate it? Fear it? Love to butt heads to make your point?

How was conflict dealt with in your family of origin? What was your role in dealing with conflict in your family of origin?

6. If it’s not the fourth quarter don’t go for broke!

You can seldom settle a serious conflict in one meeting. Set realistic goals for preliminary meetings. Defining the issues and letting all parties know they are loved, respected and have a voice must be done upfront and may take a couple of meetings by themselves.

So, don’t put pressure on yourself to “fix” things quickly. But know you must quickly let people know you care and you are listening to all sides.

7. Some losses are really gains.

Apply this carefully – not all losses are gains. But some are.
Some people have something constructive to offer the kingdom of God as part of another church but not yours! Their personalities or gifting may not fit in your church.

My Husband Has a Problem with Porn

1. It is NOT your fault – it is about his weakness and sin, it is not about you.

2. Sadly, you are not alone. This is not universal. All men do NOT do it. But a lot do. Even Christian men. There are many Christian women who are facing the same thing you are.

3. You can not fix him, control him, or manage his behavior. It is his responsibility to get help. You can choose to give him an ultimatum. If you do, you need to mean it and stick to it. Done properly, that is not manipulation or controlling, it is drawing healthy boundaries and putting the responsibility in his hands.

4. You have a right to your anger. Forgiveness and rebuilding trust can be dealt with later. If you have discovered his misbehavior or relapse into misbehavior recently, right now you have to give voice to the outrage and betrayal you feel. If you are numb and feeling nothing, that too is o.k. It will pass and it is likely you will face a good deal of anger at some point.

5. Even though it is his responsibility, you need to reach out for help and support. Some areas have support groups for wives of male sex addicts. A few carefully chosen female friends or family members can be helpful. Counseling to deal with your hurt and future direction may be needed whether he is ready for help or not.

6. If his misbehavior has included physical contact you would be wise to be tested for STD’s. It is embarrassing, but we are talking about your long term health.

The Suffering Pearl

The American Association of Christian Counselors posted the following:

“The Pearl...

Ugly, with a hard crusty shell. They just lay around in murky shallows doing nothing. Virtually useless. Certainly never able to produce anything of value and worth. They are called oysters. Inside of these crusty creatures a miracle often occurs. Somehow a foreign substance slips into the oyster between the mantle and the shell. It’s kind of like the oyster getting a splinter. It is painful. However, upon penetrating the outer shell, the “splinter” encounters a natural phenomenon. The oyster’s natural reaction is to begin to cover the irritant with layer after layer of a hard, smooth, colorful substance. Over time, a beautiful, valuable pearl has been created.

Maybe something incredibly painful is stuck in your heart. It is there. You feel it every moment of every day. It won’t go away. It seems as if the pain never lets up. You wonder if relief will ever come. The Apostle Paul reminds us in Romans 8:28… “We know that for those who love God, ALL things work together for good…” The “splinters” of life can be used by God to make us look more like Jesus (vs29). Verse 31 encourages us by declaring… if God is for us, who can be against us?
Whatever it is that has wounded you…take it to Him in prayer. Let him cover it with His Grace…layer by layer. Hang in there with Him through the healing process, and that pain will eventually be transformed into a valuable, beautiful pearl.

“Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for Righteousness,
for they shall be satisfied.” Matthew 5:6 “

(My thoughts on that…..) Our natural and understandable instinct when hardship comes is desiring for it to end and leave us ASAP! In counseling we sometimes get caught up in the client’s desire for the pain to end immediately. But often God has a work to do through the pain. It may be pruning sin and selfishness from us. It may be deepening our faith. It may be softening our hearts towards others. It is always in some way making us more like Jesus.

Suffering is not pleasant and we should not seek it. But sometimes we have to endure it in faith and let God work in it and through it. As we minister in the lives of others, without glibness or self-righteousness, we often need to sit with them in their suffering, not offering easy answers or quick fixes. Pray for the Holy Spirit to give you sensitivity to Him AND to your suffering friend/parishioner/client. You may need to gently ask some questions that lead them to grow through the pain. Be sure your relationship gives you the right to ask those questions and do it with humility.

Romans 5:3-5 (ESV) “More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."

And finally, James 1:2-4 from The Message, " 2 -4Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way. "

The Power of Your Story

I’m sure someone has pointed out to how often Jesus used stories (think “Parables”) to teach. Most of us love a good story. I find it so much easier to get into a novel than a non-fiction book. I think one reason I love my work as a counselor is I get paid to listen to people tell their stories all day long! Stories are not just interesting, they have great potential to be powerful, even life changing. That is why Jesus used them so much. In the book of Revelation we are told “they overcame by the blood of the Lamb and by their testimony.” What is their testimony? The story of the work of Christ in their life.

Understanding the story of your life can be powerful. Christian psychologist Dan Allender wrote a book, “To Be Told” that guides the reader through steps to see their past as a story that leads to a healthier future.
The Bible is a story. It is a story of creation, sin, wandering and redemption. Above all it is a love story. God is the Author of this love story. And He is the Author of the story of your life. “What about human free will and responsibility?” That is the subject for another blog!

For right now I would challenge you to think of your life as a story God is orchestrating and ask what lessons you can learn from the story of your life so far. What does it show about your heart, your hopes, your deepest desires? What does it show about God? What clues might you find about what the next chapter might look like? Keep in mind the story is not a finished work. Remember your story intersects countless other stories and our infinite, wise God is writing all these stories into one great story of victory and redemption through pain and tragedy.

I am finding that much of my work as a counselor is to hear what my clients tell me and help them hear what they have told me. What I mean is people often don’t realize what they have said. When they are in a safe place and begin opening their heart they pour out wisdom from their life and about their life without realizing it. When I cut in and give my understanding of what they’ve said sometimes they correct me, sometimes they react as if I’ve just said something profoundly wise – all I’ve done is reflect back what they have revealed. Sometimes their correction of my misunderstanding leads them or me to a key understanding. Very often the telling of their story and their increased understanding of it through hearing it reflected is a key to growth and healing.

It might be helpful to take time to sit down pray for the Lord to lead you and either write your story out or speak it into a recorder. Then prayerfully review it and ask some of the questions above and others that come to your mind. What do you learn from the story and from the questions and answers? What questions do your ‘answers’ lead to?

Another option would be to seek out a counselor or a spiritual director and let God lead and speak through them. Just be open to the power of your story.

Dealing with Anxiety - part 3

In a cognitive approach to anxiety step one is becoming aware of our automatic thoughts. When you feel anxiety starting ask yourself, “Why am I feeling this way?” It is normal to try to blame some circumstance. Stop yourself and ask, “What did I think about that situation that made me anxious? “ If you can’t remember, then ask, “”What do kind of thought about this situation would have made me anxious? What do I think I thought?” Remembering the exact thought is not essential, getting the flavor of it is what counts.

It can be helpful to write out the anxiety producing thought. Then score yourself on how strongly you believe right then on a scale of 0(not at all) to 10 (completely believe it). Also score your anxiety on a similar scale or 0 (perfect calmness) to 10 (ready to run down the street screaming and pulling your hair out).

Step two is to ruthlessly analyze the anxiety producing thought. Remember the best lie is the lie that has a shred of truth in it. Your anxiety is probably produced by thinking that has truth and exaggeration mixed. Don’t be side tracked by the shred of truth! Grab the thought like a pit-bull and shake it until you find the lies, half-truths, and exaggerations in the anxiety producing thought.

Step three is to replace the lie with the truth. Here is where the maturing believer has an advantage. Pollyanna, feel good, positive thinking will not work in the long run. Our hearts have a lie detector and they will reject the phony. If we try to sell ourselves on a false piece of fluff it may help briefly, but it won’t last. But we can choose to reject the lie of exaggerated negativism and find the positive truth in most circumstances.

Keep in mind that you have been programmed to believe that false or half true belief. It will feel right and true. The real truth may feel “wrong” at first. You will have to stay at it and keep thinking the truth. Speaking it out loud at appropriate times can be helpful.

Applying appropriate Scripture to our lives can be a very powerful part of this. Find a Scripture that properly interpreted applies to your anxiety producing thought. i.e. Anxiety Producing Thought = “I must be in complete control of my world or it will fall apart.” Counter truth = “(Christ) upholds the universe by the word of his power” (Hebrews 1:3), or “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28 NIV).” So, if God is at work in everything, I don’t have to be control of everything.

Paul seems to be recommending something like this in Philippians 4:8,9 “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. (ESV)”

After you have done some “truth therapy” sit down again and score yourself. How much do you believe your anxiety producing thought now on that same 0 – 10 scale? How strong is your anxiety now on that scale? Most times, these numbers will be down.

The same kind of work can be done with those underlaying intermediate and core beliefs. But they are more resistant to change and will take more time, work and prayer.

Dealing with Anxiety - part 2

Cognitive strategies are often effective in dealing with anxiety. I’ll use this blog to lay the ground work for understanding cognitive strategies.

There is a constant, super rapid flow of thoughts going through our brains. This flow is estimated to be around 1,300 words per minute or 45,000 thoughts per day! Your anxiety is NOT caused by circumstances, it is caused by your thoughts about the circumstances. This is a major reason why two people can be facing virtually identical circumstances and one is at peace and the other is a basket case. One person sees the stock market report a 300 point loss and thinks, “I’m being ruined!” Their neighbor sees that same report and thinks, “This stinks, but it will come back up eventually, and if not, God will provide.” One way of thinking sends our body into fight or flight the other maintains equilibrium.

This constant flow of thoughts is called by cognitive behavioral psychologists “automatic thoughts” because they are just automatically flowing through our minds nonstop. The flavor of our automatic thoughts is conditioned by what are called intermediate beliefs and core beliefs. Think of intermediate beliefs as the attitudes and “rules” about life, self and others that you have picked up through life. Some of these are “shoulds” and “oughts”. “People should always be nice to me.” “I ought to keep everyone around me at peace.” Some of these come from parents or school or society. Others are shaped by our understanding and assumptions about what the powerful people around us want from us. Some of these beliefs can lead to success in life and peace of soul. But others are “crazy makers” that set us up for anxiety, depression or failure.

A common intermediate belief is “I am worthless if everyone does not love me.” Beliefs like this are huge anxiety creating machines! A co-worker sighs and shakes her head. Suzie assumes Jane is unhappy with her (actually Jane just thought about her teen age son’s drug use) and it quickly runs through Suzie’s mind, “I’m not keeping Jane happy. Jane doesn’t love me. Therefore I am worthless.” These thoughts cause her to feel uneasy and edgy. If she feeds this way of thinking she will become more and more anxious. Keep in mind you may not be aware of this chain of thought because it is zipping through your mind so quickly. Still, it can impact your emotions powerfully.

Core beliefs are similar to immediate beliefs but more deeply seated. They are usually ancient in that we picked them up early in life. Therefore, they are deeply entrenched, rigid and firmly believed no matter how irrational they may be. They can also be hard to be aware of and very hard to change.

Next blog we will look at how to use these insights to deal with anxiety.

Dealing with Anxiety - part 1 (repost)

Would everyone who has never in their life been anxious please stop reading this immediately! So far I have eliminated no one! Anxiety is a painfully universal experience. The degree and intensity of what we experience may vary, but we all go through it. How do we effectively minimize the frequency and lessen the intensity of anxiety? Some simple basics can help. Some are common sense, others may be counter intuitive.

The first step is awareness. Learn to be sanely sensitive to your feelings. Common “Red Flags” for anxiety are feeling tightness in your muscles, breathing more shallow and quickly, sweating, thinking doom or catastrophe are about to hit, queasiness in your stomach.

Second, realize that in anxiety your “fight or flight” reflex is working against you. Your brain says “Danger, Will Robinson” and the message is sent for adrenalin to pour into your system. Your muscles tense, breathing gets shallow and fast. Your information loop shifts from your good reasoning center (the pre-frontal cortex) to the fight or flight center (the amygdala). The physical reactions tell your brain, “We are in trouble!” So the brain keeps the shift into fight or flight going in high gear.

This understanding leads to an effective strategy for reversing that negative biofeedback loop – choose to take control of your breathing! For a time, focus on your breathing. Take control and choose to breathe slowly and deeply. Pay attention to your rate of breathing and tell yourself to breathe in very, very slowly. Hold it a second. Then breathe out very controlled and very slow. Choose to continue breathing like this. Keep as much of your focus on your breathing as the situation allows.

This works for you in several ways. Number one it begins to reverse that biofeedback loop. As you slow your breathing your body begins to tell your brain, “Chill, there is no real danger here.” The subconscious parts of your brain respond by shut down the adrenalin. The shutdown of the adrenalin express begins to eliminate the muscle tension, sweating, and stomach distress. Some of this may not be immediate, but it begins as you choose to take control of your breathing. Secondly, the act of focusing on your breathing distracts you from the thoughts that contributed to your anxiety in the first place. (More on this in my next blog.)

So far we have seen that God has created us in such a way that there is a physical component to anxiety. He also created us so that we can choose to take control of that physical component by controlling our breathing. This simple step by itself is not a cure all, but is an extremely powerful part of dealing with anxiety. In my next blog we’ll look at other basics in dealing with anxiety.

Surviving the Dry Times - part 2

Psalm 42:4, These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I would go with the throng and lead them in procession to the house of God with glad shouts and songs of praise, a multitude keeping festival.” One of the things that can keep us going through the dry times and eventually bring us out on the other side is remembering the good times, the times when we knew God was working in our hearts.

Dry times are a good time for self-evaluation. Do we feel distant from the Lord because we are living in unrepentant sin? If so, we feel distant because we are distant! Isaiah 59:2 “but your iniquities have made a separation between you and your God, and your sins have hidden his face from you so that he does not hear.” If we have sin that we refuse to turn from it will damage our fellowship with God. Our relationship with the Lord stands secure through the cross of Christ. But the joy of intimate fellowship will be broken until we choose God over our sin!

BUT NOT ALL DRY TIMES ARE CAUSED BY SIN. Elijah experienced a horrendous time of spiritual darkness right after his tremendous victory over the priests of Baal on Mount Carmel. Elijah had just prayed down fire from heaven followed by praying down rain after a 3 year drought. Then he is told that Queen Jezebel was going to kill him and the mighty man of God runs for his life (1 Kings 19:3)! He runs to wilderness and it interesting, I think, that God sends an angel to give him food and water two times. In this case, I believe we see that Elijah felt far from God because of spiritual exhaustion. The key point here is THERE ARE MANY CAUSES OF SPIRITUAL DRYNESS. It is not always the presence of sin in our lives. In fact, self delusion can fearfully cause a false sense of being alright with God even when we are living in sin.

God was not distant from Elijah in any sense when he ran from Jezebel. This man of faith who would later call down fire from heaven to destroy soldiers sent to arrest him not once, but twice, could have done so now. But in a state of emotional and spiritual exhaustion he panicked. I believe it is likely Elijah did not feel the presence of God in his life because of his exhaustion. Stress, pressure, the storms of life can produce spiritual dryness.

Spiritual neglect can lead to dry times. If we keep our Bibles closed, our knees unbent, or stay away from the house of God it will lead to dry times. And sometimes, I believe God allows dry times to work His purposes in our life.

But remember the times the hand of God was fresh on your life. Remember the times He has used you to bless others. And know that your Father not only wants to restore you to that wonderful place, He wants to deepen you so you can enjoy Him even more! Psalm 16:11 “You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” Our loving Father fervently wants us to find deep joy and profound pleasure in Him! Yet sometimes He uses the dry times to deepen us, to cleanse us so that we can enjoy Him more.

This is why there are no “3 Easy Steps to Overcome Spiritual Dryness”. Sometimes we just have to hunker down and hold on and trust by Holy Spirit given faith that our Triune God is holding on to us and He will not, absolutely will not let us go no matter what our feelings may be crying out at the moment.

Surviving the Dry Times - part 1

There is a corny old joke about a couple who had been married for 40 years, Harold and Harriet, driving down the road in an old Cadillac with a bench seat in front. Harriet suddenly said, “Harry, we don’t sit as close as we did when we first got married, and I don’t like it!” Harry drove silently for several seconds and then replied, “Harriet, I haven’t moved.”

Lately I’ve had a time in my spiritual life in which God seems far away. But you know, He’s in the driver’s seat and He hasn’t moved! Do you ever have these times when you feel empty, your heart feels cold, and God seems very distant?

The writers of the book of Psalms had times like these. Psalm 88:14, “O LORD, why do you cast my soul away? Why do you hide your face from me?” It is so painful for the child of God when it feels like God is hiding His face from us! In Psalm 42:9 we read, “I say to God, my rock: ‘Why have you forgotten me?”

The Psalmist points us toward help in these dry times: “My soul is cast down within me; therefore I remember you (Psalm 42:6).” One of the keys of enduring the dry times is remembering God and His work in our life. Now be warned, it does not work like “take two and call in the morning.” Psalm 77:3 is painfully real when it says, “When I remember God I moan; when I meditate, my spirit faints.” There are dark nights of the soul that are so deep that when we first try to turn to the Lord it just makes it more painful! No matter how dry or even painful that turning toward Christ may feel, it is what we need at those times!

Back in Psalm 42 we find wise spiritual direction; “These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I would go with the throng and lead them in procession to the house of God with glad shouts and songs of praise, a multitude keeping festival.” He remembered times when he was spiritually with it! Times when the joy of the Lord filled his entire being. Times when he was doing effective ministry (“and lead them in procession to the house of God…).

I know from experience there are times when these memories temporarily make things worse. I contrast “the good times” with how bad it seems now and it seems all the more horrible. At those times what I need to do is to remember how good it was and that God hasn’t moved! That means it can be that good again.

Also, God hasn’t moved! He is still there! We may not feel His closeness, His love, His acceptance. But Christ said He would never leave us and never forsake us. The God who blessed us and used us wonderfully in the high tide is the same God who is silently holding us and sustaining us in the desert experience.

Dealing with Anxiety - part 1

Would everyone who has never in their life been anxious please stop reading this immediately! So far I have eliminated no one! Anxiety is a painfully universal experience. The degree and intensity of what we experience may vary, but we all go through it. How do we effectively minimize the frequency and lessen the intensity of anxiety? Some simple basics can help. Some are common sense, others may be counter intuitive.

The first step is awareness. Learn to be sanely sensitive to your feelings. Common “Red Flags” for anxiety are feeling tightness in your muscles, breathing more shallow and quickly, sweating, thinking doom or catastrophe are about to hit, queasiness in your stomach.

Second, realize that in anxiety your “fight or flight” reflex is working against you. Your brain says “Danger, Will Robinson” and the message is sent for adrenalin to pour into your system. Your muscles tense, breathing gets shallow and fast. Your information loop shifts from your good reasoning center (the pre-frontal cortex) to the fight or flight center (the amygdala). The physical reactions tell your brain, “We are in trouble!” So the brain keeps the shift into fight or flight going in high gear.

This understanding leads to an effective strategy for reversing that negative biofeedback loop – choose to take control of your breathing! For a time, focus on your breathing. Take control and choose to breathe slowly and deeply. Pay attention to your rate of breathing and tell yourself to breathe in very, very slowly. Hold it a second. Then breathe out very controlled and very slow. Choose to continue breathing like this. Keep as much of your focus on your breathing as the situation allows.

This works for you in several ways. Number one it begins to reverse that biofeedback loop. As you slow your breathing your body begins to tell your brain, “Chill, there is no real danger here.” The subconscious parts of your brain respond by shut down the adrenalin. The shutdown of the adrenalin express begins to eliminate the muscle tension, sweating, and stomach distress. Some of this may not be immediate, but it begins as you choose to take control of your breathing. Secondly, the act of focusing on your breathing distracts you from the thoughts that contributed to your anxiety in the first place. (More on this in my next blog.)

So far we have seen that God has created us in such a way that there is a physical component to anxiety. He also created us so that we can choose to take control of that physical component by controlling our breathing. This simple step by itself is not a cure all, but is an extremely powerful part of dealing with anxiety. In my next blog we’ll look at other basics in dealing with anxiety.

Mick Jagger, Brennan Manning and Jesus Christ

What kind of crazy mind draws a line from Mick Jagger to Brennan Manning to Jesus Christ? That’s the kind of mind this would be Soul Doctor has! Jagger screamed, “I can’t get no, Satisfaction….” (Do you hear the distorted guitar and drums?) Manning wrote “All I want is You, Senor (Christ); all I want is you.” This morning as I read Manning and meditated on that phrase the thought floated through my mind, “All the coveting, all the lust, what I’ve really yearned for is You, Jesus. You are what really satisfies.”

“Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread, and your labor for that which does not satisfy?” (Isaiah 55:2a) Bread represents that which sustains life and brings real satisfaction. Ultimately, Christ is the Giver and Sustainer of life. (See John 1:3, 4 and Hebrews 1:3.) Bethlehem is the house of bread. What we all profoundly crave is that true House of Bread, the spiritual Bethlehem, where we deeply encounter the Living Christ.

I remember years ago hearing Billy Graham say that in each person there is a God shaped vacuum that nothing else can fill. But we desperately try to fill it with sex, possessions, drugs, partying etc. There is a great deal of truth in that statement. In our brokenness caused by original sin that yearning for God is distorted, muted, twisted. What is left inside of us is an undifferentiated, deep yearning for something. Much of the inner fuel that drives addictions comes from this yearning. I believe it drives many who are neglecting their families trying to make a name for themselves. “If only I reach the top of the company this yearning will be satisfied.” “If only I get that 3,500 square foot house I will feel good about myself.” “If only I score with that babe/hunk life will be cool.” “If I can just earn that PhD and get published my life will count.” “If I can just get another hit of smack this burning in my soul will be numbed for awhile.”

Some of these things are good. Some are evil and destructive. But none of them is the bread of life. None of them really satisfy.

“When I'm drivin' in my car, and a man comes on the radio, he's tellin' me more and more
about some useless information, supposed to fire my imagination. I can't get no, oh no no no. Hey hey hey, that's what I say.” (Satisfaction, Jagger and Richards)

Madison Avenue draws us to spend on that which is not bread. You can “get it all” but it won’t bring “no satisfaction”!

The Soul Doctor will leave you with the lyrics of a different song. My prayer is this will help you find that true Bethlehem where the deepest craving of your soul will be really satisfied. Graham Kendrick is not as well known as Jagger and Richards. But he may well be richer in the true riches. He wrote, “All I once held dear, built my life upon, All this world reveres and wars to own; All I once thought gain I have counted loss, Spent and worthless now compared to this. Knowing You, Jesus, knowing You There is no greater thing. You're my all, You're the best, You're my joy, my righteousness, And I love You Lord. Now my heart's desire is to know You more, To be found in You and know as Yours, To possess by faith what I could not earn All surpassing gift of righteousness Oh to know the power of Your risen life, And to know You in Your sufferings; To become like You in Your death, my Lord, So with You to live and never die.”

Do You Hear What I Hear? Part 2

“I know you think you heard what you think I said but what you believe you heard is not at all what I really said!” Been on the receiving end of a statement like that? Listening is a skill that requires energy, focus, and humility. In Proverbs 18:13 we read, “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.” The biggest obstacle in communication is a failure to really listen. Too often we believe we know where the other person is going, so we only half listen. Only God really knows exactly what someone is going to say before they say it. So humility demands we listen before we answer.

In marital fights it is very common for each person to half listen, with an “uh, huh” while they are really loading their mental gun for what they are going say when the other person pauses for breath or the “listener” interrupts. This is incredibly rude and it is not communication!

Very often counselors and pastors will teach active listening skills. The “Speaker – Listener” exercise is a common form of active listening skill training. One person is the designated speaker, the other the designated listener. You can use a piece of carpet or flooring tile if you choose. The one who has carpet/tile has the floor and is the speaker until they give it up. The speaker needs to be brief and use “I” statements (‘I feel used when the dishes sit in the sink undone’).

When the speaker is finished, the listener paraphrases what the speaker has said (“When the rest of us let the dishes pile up you feel used.”). The speaker either confirms that he/she has been heard correctly, or tells the listener nicely that they have not heard them completely or at all – if they only got it part right, affirm that part and correct the part they missed. If they missed it completely, kindly try to say it again a little bit differently. You go back and forth until the speaker is satisfied that they have been heard.

The listener, at this point, cannot argue, correct facts, or “straighten out” the speaker. Their job is only to hear the content and heart of the speaker and repeat what they have heard so that the speaker KNOWS they have been heard correctly. This does not necessarily mean the listener agrees with the message. It shows they are hearing the message. There is a time and place to seek to work through our differing understandings of issues. But first, we need to really hear what our partner is saying and they need to hear us.

Do You Hear What I Hear? Part 1

Do You Hear What I Hear? (Part 1) By Rev. Frank J. Busbey, LPC

“That’s not what I said! You just don’t get it!” Ever say something like that? Or have you heard a loved one say something like this to you? Communication is an unbelievably complex and difficult process. The relationship of language, thought, speech and reality is very complex. To try bring it down to earth, every time we speak there are multiple messages. There is the message we intend to say. There is the message we actually say. And there is the message our listener hears. Add to the mix if we have more than one listener each one may hear things differently! I don’t know how many times after a sermon someone thanked me for saying something I didn’t think I had said!

No matter how carefully we try to craft our words, communication does not take place until a listener hears what we are trying to say. In the forest of relationships if the tree falls and no one hears it has NOT made a meaningful sound.

Communication is the life blood of relationships. Whether we are talking about a marriage, a parent-child relationship, a friendship or a work relationship, there has to be communication.

Even though it is incredibly difficult to convey a clear message I believe the hardest part of the communication process is listening! James 1:19 says, “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;” (ESV). Much of communication is non-verbal. This requires a good listener to listen with their eyes and heart as much as with their ears!