Do You Hear What I Hear? Part 2

“I know you think you heard what you think I said but what you believe you heard is not at all what I really said!” Been on the receiving end of a statement like that? Listening is a skill that requires energy, focus, and humility. In Proverbs 18:13 we read, “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.” The biggest obstacle in communication is a failure to really listen. Too often we believe we know where the other person is going, so we only half listen. Only God really knows exactly what someone is going to say before they say it. So humility demands we listen before we answer.

In marital fights it is very common for each person to half listen, with an “uh, huh” while they are really loading their mental gun for what they are going say when the other person pauses for breath or the “listener” interrupts. This is incredibly rude and it is not communication!

Very often counselors and pastors will teach active listening skills. The “Speaker – Listener” exercise is a common form of active listening skill training. One person is the designated speaker, the other the designated listener. You can use a piece of carpet or flooring tile if you choose. The one who has carpet/tile has the floor and is the speaker until they give it up. The speaker needs to be brief and use “I” statements (‘I feel used when the dishes sit in the sink undone’).

When the speaker is finished, the listener paraphrases what the speaker has said (“When the rest of us let the dishes pile up you feel used.”). The speaker either confirms that he/she has been heard correctly, or tells the listener nicely that they have not heard them completely or at all – if they only got it part right, affirm that part and correct the part they missed. If they missed it completely, kindly try to say it again a little bit differently. You go back and forth until the speaker is satisfied that they have been heard.

The listener, at this point, cannot argue, correct facts, or “straighten out” the speaker. Their job is only to hear the content and heart of the speaker and repeat what they have heard so that the speaker KNOWS they have been heard correctly. This does not necessarily mean the listener agrees with the message. It shows they are hearing the message. There is a time and place to seek to work through our differing understandings of issues. But first, we need to really hear what our partner is saying and they need to hear us.