Nearly always marital conflict comes to involve childish behavior and condescending communication. A marital fight often resembles a middle school screaming match more than an adult discussion. The challenge is to own up to your own misbehavior and not get fixed on what you see as your spouse’s childishness. If they are acting childish it is very unlikely they will receive it well from you! Digging in your heels to try to force them to admit THEIR mistakes is likely to escalate the conflict not defuse it.
AVOID CROSS COMMUNICATION: Often one or both partners try to talk adult to child. “If you were responsible with our money, we wouldn’t be in this situation!” The result is you come across condescending and trigger more anger. Either your spouse gets hooked and reacts like a rebellious teenager, “You can’t tell me what to do!” Or, they try a reversal and talk down to you. It is not unusual for parts of a fight to involve child to child communication, “You NEVER listen to me” “You never respect me”.
SPEAK ADULT TO ADULT: The trick is to choose to genuinely speak to your mate adult to adult. This means no put downs, no sarcasm, no tricks and no games. We need to aim to treat our spouse (and other family members) with the same degree of respect and courtesy that we usually give to co-workers and common strangers! Sadly, we usually reserve our worst behavior for those closest to us. Relaxing and letting our hair down is one thing. Being mean and disrespectful is something else entirely.
DROP YOUR SWORD AND SHIELD! In the midst of a marital fight our body is reacting similarly as though we were confronted by an angry bear or were in the middle of combat. Brain scans show we use different parts of brains during anger or fear than we do when we are calm. These parts of the brain are not equipped for good reasoning, accurate memory, or fair assessments.
Part of “dropping your sword and shield” is adopting a team mentality. Your spouse is not your enemy. They are your team mate in life. The enemy is the misunderstanding or situation that causes marital stress. You and your spouse are on the same team. If one of you loses, the team loses. The team concept means you have to aim for win-win solutions.
Dropping your sword and shield will mean agreeing that either of you can call a time out at any time. Once either person has shifted into “flight or fight” mode constructive communication is pretty much impossible. A time out is needed. It’s o.k. to call a time out. It’s not o.k. to say “YOU need a time out!” (See “Avoid Cross Communication” above.) Either partner needs the right to call a time out at any time. Rather than anger, the problem may be exhaustion, a genuine lack of time due to unchangeable scheduling, emotionally not being ready. BUT WHOEVER CALLS A TIME OUT MUST TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR SUGGESTING A TIME TO RESUME THE CONVERSATION. A Time Out is not an excuse to stuff, bury or avoid.
Dropping your sword and shield means no name calling, no passive aggressive digs, no accusing, no eye rolling, and no sarcasm.
For more on communication in marriage see the two part “Do You Hear What I Hear” in my March 2010 blogs.
