The Heart of Communication

The heart of communication is……… the heart!  I spend time in 

marriage therapy teaching communication skills – the infamous 

“Speaker – Listener Technique”.   If you’ve never done it is 

like riding a bike with training wheels on, or maybe more like 

knitting with mittens on!  Virtually everyone who does it feels 

it is artificial and awkward.  But it teaches assertive speaking and 

active listening.  Those are extremely helpful skills.   All of us can 

benefit by learning to be more direct yet less accusational in the 

way we communicate with our spouse.  Those famous “I” 

statements, done correctly, really make a difference.  And actually 

listening to our spouses words AND heart is critical to true 

intimacy and connection in marriage.  James 1:19 says, “Know 

this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow 

to speak, slow to anger;” (ESV)   Apply this to your marriage and 

see the difference it will make!

So we need to be lovingly assertive in the way we speak to our 

spouse.  And we have to do the hard work to discipline ourselves
to REALLY listening to them. 

Yet the heart of communication is the heart!  What I mean is
you have to care enough to really want to expose your heart and
soul to your mate (this is real intimacy!). You have to care
enough to deeply desire to know your wife’s or husband’s heart.  
Only that caring (= “love”) will give you the courage it takes to
bare your soul to your spouse and the patience to focus in when
your spouse is exposing their soul to you . Communication in
marriage is speaking the truth in love!  It is engaging your heart
first, then your ears and brains, and last of all engaging your
mouth in a kind, transparent revelation of your heart.

This really frightens a lot of guys.  It just ain’t natural for most of 

us!   But if you are going to love your wife like Christ loved the 

church and gave Himself for her, you will pray for the Holy Spirit 

to give you the courage to go for it!

And gals, when your guy comes stumbling and bumbling and 

doing a so-so job at this emotional intimacy stuff – praise him 

for the effort don’t criticize him for the imperfection!  Have pity 

on us – God didn’t give our brains as many synapses as He 

gave yours!

Bottom line – communication is hard work.  It requires a 

tremendous amount of courage, sweat, blood and tears!  And it 
begins and ends with the heart.