Getting to the Other Side of Loss and Grief.

(This is a shortened version of a presentation I gave in a Sunday School class recently.)  Grief is not restricted to when we lose a loved one to death.  EVERY LOSS OF ANY KIND INVOLVES A GRIEF PROCESS OF SOME KIND – i.e. divorce, job loss, significant financial loss, moving, graduating, losing a friendship, finding out a respected person has been involved in major dishonesty, immorality or unethical behavior, etc.

WHAT IS THE MOST PAINFUL EXPERIENCE OF YOUR LIFE?  How was loss involved in this?  (i.e. What did you lose?)  How fully have you grieved this loss?

GRIEF IS PAINFUL AND MESSY.

                Many talk of “5 Stages of Grief” or“7 Stages of Grief” or“3 Stages of Grief”. 

                Reality – there are common emotions most of us feel during grief (sadness, fear, anger, anguish, loss, etc.) but EVERYONE GRIEVES DIFFERENTLY !  And it is likely that each time you grieve a loss your grief will be different.  And the process always hurts and it is always messy.

COMPLICATED OR COMPOUNDED GRIEF CAN BE EVEN MESSIER AND TAKE LONGER – I.E. Your husband leaves you for another man, you lose your job, your finances collapse and you have to live with the parents who abused you, and a beloved pet dies, and the next day your teenage son is arrested.  HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH THAT?

IF THE LOSS IS SIGNIFICANT IT IS COMMON TO START WITH SHOCK AND DENIAL.  “This can’t be real!”  “This isn’t happening!”  “No, that’s not true!”

Pain, sadness, anguish are common emotions.  

DEEP GRIEF DISRUPTS YOUR EMOTIONAL EQUILIBRIUM!  = Don’t make major life decisions soon after a major loss.  You are not at the top of your game!

ANGER is extremely common in loses such as divorce, job loss, losing a friendship, but also is common in loss due to death.  You may be angry at your loved one for dieing!  You may be angry at God for allowing the tragedy that has struck you.

THE ONLY WAY THROUGH IT IS THROUGH IT! A man once told me that day after wife died he went on a 2 year binge!  When he finally sobered up all the pain and loss were still there!  Unfortunately, we have to feel the pain to get past the pain.  You can stuff it or run from it, but sooner or later in some form it will catch up with you.

HOW DO WE GO THROUGH IT?

                Give yourself permission to feel all you feel – even if it is numbness – that will pass!

                Choose to lean on Christ in the midst of storms that don’t make a lick of sense.  Think of Matt Redman's song "Blessed be Your Name", "You give and take away, You give and take away.  My heart will CHOOSE to say, blessed be Your Name!"

                Find safe people to tell your story to – probably over and over!  A huge part of the healing for most people comes in telling the story repeatedly.

                When you are ready, work at applying your faith and theology to your circumstance – don’t rush it, don’t let others give you pat answers.  – “She’s in a better place Pastor” = urge to maime!  True but not helpful at the moment!  Now that truth is very helpful. (See part two to be posted soon.)

                At some point down the road you have to choose to let go of the pain, the hurt, perhaps the anger.  We need to be forgiving even when our offender is unrepentant and undeserving of forgiveness.  We are the one set free when we forgive.

WITH DEEP LOSSES WE DON’T GET OVER THEM WE GET THROUGH THEM BY THE GRACE OF GOD!    Perhaps it is even better to say we learn to live with the loss.  Eventually we are able to do so with somewhat less pain if we honestly deal with it.

                Getting to the other side of loss and grief will always involve accepting a new normal!  Life is never the same after a life shattering experience.  WE are never the same.  We can be bitter or we can be better.