All marriages have problems and are less than perfect. Many marriages impacted by infidelity are more troubled than average (but not all). Both spouses are responsible for the problems in the marriage. Both need to accept responsibility for change to improve their marriage.
A sensitive (and inconvenient) truth is that the short comings in the marriage may contribute to the unfaithful spouse’s decision to be unfaithful. This is where it can get tricky. Many factors contribute to every decision we make, good or bad. But we alone are responsible for those decisions. “The Devil made me do it” doesn’t play well! You may have had a very unstable childhood. Your spouse may have been very distant and neglectful. You may have had too much drink the first time you slept with the other person. You are still 100% responsible for the choice you made. Even if your spouse was truly horrible, you had other alternatives to deal with that.
Contributing factors in the relationship need to be recognized and addressed because they will continue to undermine the relationship if they are not. But none of them remove or shift responsibility for the moral wrong involved. The first step to healing your marriage is accepting full, unequivocable responsibility for what you did.
I have seen many marriages saved after an affair. But it requires tremendous courage and a lot of hard work by both spouses. The offended partner will have a lot of anger to deal with. The struggle to forgive is huge. And rebuilding enough trust to make the marriage work is usually the hardest of all.
If your marriage has been intruded on by an affair, and both partners say they want it to work, see a good marriage counselor. Don't try to negotiate this enormously difficult task on your own.
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