Shame, shame!

“Shame is the intensely powerful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging” Brene Brown.

Shame is “the swampland of the soul.” Carl Jung.

“To suffer shame is to feel that the true self with all its defects is exposed, naked and vulnerable to the damning judgment and criticism of others.” Teyber.

So far this is all safe, academic and sanitary.  Let me bring it down to earth for you:  As a child I felt shame because I stuttered and was viciously teased about it.  I felt inferior, broken, stupid.  In sixth grade I felt shame when a (former) friend sneeringly made reference to my (second) step-father’s excessive drinking.  This was humiliating.  His mom and dad were still married to each other.  The police never came to his house because of drunken violence.  He made sure I realized this and I felt dirty, cheap, exposed.  We all have our “shame stories”.  Think about yours for a moment before moving on. .......... 

Then ask yourself, “Was that really reason for shame?”  “Do I still carry any of that shame?”  “Where WAS God, really?” (Not accusing Him, but applying your more mature understanding of theology to this as a real question.)  “Does the Gospel say anything about this shame?”  “Can I learn anything about myself, life, or God from this?”  “Do I need to let go of this more fully?”

Shame v. Guilt

Psychological studies indicate we develop a sense of shame at around 18 – 24 months of age.  Guilt seems to be developed later at around 3 – 4 years of age.  We can differentiate by saying guilt relates to what we do and shame relates to who we are.  Guilt has to do with morals, with right and wrong.  Shame has to do with who we see ourselves to be, our intrinsic goodness or badness, with our intrinsic worth or lack of worth.  We can feel shame about something we have done or failed to do, but it still goes deeper to what that action or inaction says about US.

In this sense we can be guilty and not know it because we lack knowledge or character, but when we feel shame we are painfully aware of it.  Ultimately, true guilt has an absolute standard.  The law of the land determines legal guilt.  The law of God determines true moral guilt.  Again, in both cases we may be guilty and not know it.  

Shame is determined by the standards we have internalized.  These may be informed by the Bible.  They are virtually always shaped by family and culture.  For example, in the United States with our highly individualistic culture we may feel shame if we fail to speak up for ourselves.  But in Japan with their more communal/family oriented culture an individual who defends themselves under pressure may feel shame because they have dishonored their family or employer.  Like with guilt, we can say there is true shame (about things we should feel shamed) and false shame (shaped by unreliable standards).  A person who grew up in a family of body builders and feels shame because they cannot bench press 300 lbs. needs to reevaluate their standards!  Likewise, more seriously, the person who grew up with perfectionistic, demanding parents and feels painful shame for getting a 95 on a test is suffering from false shame. 

 

A classic Twilight Zone episode features a woman getting repeated, unsuccessful plastic surgery to correct her hideous, shameful “deformity”.  Once again the surgery is unsuccessful and we finally see her face – her knock down, gorgeous, beautiful face!  The surgeons remove their masks to reveal their hideously deformed faces!  Her sense of shame was shaped by a standard we would find ridiculous.  Sometimes our feelings of shame are based on standards just as warped!  Those feelings are still painful and potentially debilitating.

The Dark Side of Shame.

Shame is often destructive and crippling.  Patrick Carnes in his ground breaking work on the cycle of sexual addiction sees shame as the root of the addiction.  He puts shame at the top of the cycle and as a lynch pin in perpetuating the cycle.  The overpowering wave of remorse that often hits the addict after sexual misbehavior and sin adds emotional fuel that helps perpetuate the cycle.  For the believer that shameful remorse may masquerade as conviction and repentance.  But it is neither!  Holy Spirit conviction always draws the sinner to God and His grace.  Repentance is Spirit empowered commitment to turn from sin.  Shameful remorse is feeling hopelessly dirty, despicable, vile, sickening.  There is a hatred for what the addict has just done, but it falls short of truly leaning on the Holy Spirit for transformation.  There is usually also a deep hatred of self.    If the addict does not deal with the issues driving the addiction the painful remorse sinks out of conscious awareness, mostly, and eventually adds to the pool of negative emotion he is trying to medicate with the addiction.  

For some shame is the “de-motivator” that perpetuates underperformance, repeated failure, over eating, under exercising, isolation and withdrawal from relationships.  It is the painful conviction that you are too stupid to get your GED, too unlovable to be worthy of losing weight.   Shame can be the voice of a long deceased parent echoing in your mind “Shut up, you’re so stupid, you’re so ugly no one will ever want you….”  If I’m that defective, why try?

Can Shame be Good? 

The power of shame is not always destructive.  Shame can be a positive force in our lives at times!  Intensely felt shame can be used by the Holy Spirit to motivate us to change things that really are shameful.  A husband who feels deep shame over cheating on his wife may be motivated by that shame to seek God’s grace to never yield to that temptation again.  Hopefully he will also seek help to understand what drove him there so the Holy Spirit can heal any wounds and reduce the likelihood of repeating that failure.  It is unhealthy to fail to feel shame when we have behaved in a shameful way.  A key is what we do when we feel shame.

That’s a lot to chew on.  At least it was for me.  More to come.