Dealing with Anxiety - part 1

Would everyone who has never in their life been anxious please stop reading this immediately! So far I have eliminated no one! Anxiety is a painfully universal experience. The degree and intensity of what we experience may vary, but we all go through it. How do we effectively minimize the frequency and lessen the intensity of anxiety? Some simple basics can help. Some are common sense, others may be counter intuitive.

The first step is awareness. Learn to be sanely sensitive to your feelings. Common “Red Flags” for anxiety are feeling tightness in your muscles, breathing more shallow and quickly, sweating, thinking doom or catastrophe are about to hit, queasiness in your stomach.

Second, realize that in anxiety your “fight or flight” reflex is working against you. Your brain says “Danger, Will Robinson” and the message is sent for adrenalin to pour into your system. Your muscles tense, breathing gets shallow and fast. Your information loop shifts from your good reasoning center (the pre-frontal cortex) to the fight or flight center (the amygdala). The physical reactions tell your brain, “We are in trouble!” So the brain keeps the shift into fight or flight going in high gear.

This understanding leads to an effective strategy for reversing that negative biofeedback loop – choose to take control of your breathing! For a time, focus on your breathing. Take control and choose to breathe slowly and deeply. Pay attention to your rate of breathing and tell yourself to breathe in very, very slowly. Hold it a second. Then breathe out very controlled and very slow. Choose to continue breathing like this. Keep as much of your focus on your breathing as the situation allows.

This works for you in several ways. Number one it begins to reverse that biofeedback loop. As you slow your breathing your body begins to tell your brain, “Chill, there is no real danger here.” The subconscious parts of your brain respond by shut down the adrenalin. The shutdown of the adrenalin express begins to eliminate the muscle tension, sweating, and stomach distress. Some of this may not be immediate, but it begins as you choose to take control of your breathing. Secondly, the act of focusing on your breathing distracts you from the thoughts that contributed to your anxiety in the first place. (More on this in my next blog.)

So far we have seen that God has created us in such a way that there is a physical component to anxiety. He also created us so that we can choose to take control of that physical component by controlling our breathing. This simple step by itself is not a cure all, but is an extremely powerful part of dealing with anxiety. In my next blog we’ll look at other basics in dealing with anxiety.

Mick Jagger, Brennan Manning and Jesus Christ

What kind of crazy mind draws a line from Mick Jagger to Brennan Manning to Jesus Christ? That’s the kind of mind this would be Soul Doctor has! Jagger screamed, “I can’t get no, Satisfaction….” (Do you hear the distorted guitar and drums?) Manning wrote “All I want is You, Senor (Christ); all I want is you.” This morning as I read Manning and meditated on that phrase the thought floated through my mind, “All the coveting, all the lust, what I’ve really yearned for is You, Jesus. You are what really satisfies.”

“Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread, and your labor for that which does not satisfy?” (Isaiah 55:2a) Bread represents that which sustains life and brings real satisfaction. Ultimately, Christ is the Giver and Sustainer of life. (See John 1:3, 4 and Hebrews 1:3.) Bethlehem is the house of bread. What we all profoundly crave is that true House of Bread, the spiritual Bethlehem, where we deeply encounter the Living Christ.

I remember years ago hearing Billy Graham say that in each person there is a God shaped vacuum that nothing else can fill. But we desperately try to fill it with sex, possessions, drugs, partying etc. There is a great deal of truth in that statement. In our brokenness caused by original sin that yearning for God is distorted, muted, twisted. What is left inside of us is an undifferentiated, deep yearning for something. Much of the inner fuel that drives addictions comes from this yearning. I believe it drives many who are neglecting their families trying to make a name for themselves. “If only I reach the top of the company this yearning will be satisfied.” “If only I get that 3,500 square foot house I will feel good about myself.” “If only I score with that babe/hunk life will be cool.” “If I can just earn that PhD and get published my life will count.” “If I can just get another hit of smack this burning in my soul will be numbed for awhile.”

Some of these things are good. Some are evil and destructive. But none of them is the bread of life. None of them really satisfy.

“When I'm drivin' in my car, and a man comes on the radio, he's tellin' me more and more
about some useless information, supposed to fire my imagination. I can't get no, oh no no no. Hey hey hey, that's what I say.” (Satisfaction, Jagger and Richards)

Madison Avenue draws us to spend on that which is not bread. You can “get it all” but it won’t bring “no satisfaction”!

The Soul Doctor will leave you with the lyrics of a different song. My prayer is this will help you find that true Bethlehem where the deepest craving of your soul will be really satisfied. Graham Kendrick is not as well known as Jagger and Richards. But he may well be richer in the true riches. He wrote, “All I once held dear, built my life upon, All this world reveres and wars to own; All I once thought gain I have counted loss, Spent and worthless now compared to this. Knowing You, Jesus, knowing You There is no greater thing. You're my all, You're the best, You're my joy, my righteousness, And I love You Lord. Now my heart's desire is to know You more, To be found in You and know as Yours, To possess by faith what I could not earn All surpassing gift of righteousness Oh to know the power of Your risen life, And to know You in Your sufferings; To become like You in Your death, my Lord, So with You to live and never die.”

Do You Hear What I Hear? Part 2

“I know you think you heard what you think I said but what you believe you heard is not at all what I really said!” Been on the receiving end of a statement like that? Listening is a skill that requires energy, focus, and humility. In Proverbs 18:13 we read, “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.” The biggest obstacle in communication is a failure to really listen. Too often we believe we know where the other person is going, so we only half listen. Only God really knows exactly what someone is going to say before they say it. So humility demands we listen before we answer.

In marital fights it is very common for each person to half listen, with an “uh, huh” while they are really loading their mental gun for what they are going say when the other person pauses for breath or the “listener” interrupts. This is incredibly rude and it is not communication!

Very often counselors and pastors will teach active listening skills. The “Speaker – Listener” exercise is a common form of active listening skill training. One person is the designated speaker, the other the designated listener. You can use a piece of carpet or flooring tile if you choose. The one who has carpet/tile has the floor and is the speaker until they give it up. The speaker needs to be brief and use “I” statements (‘I feel used when the dishes sit in the sink undone’).

When the speaker is finished, the listener paraphrases what the speaker has said (“When the rest of us let the dishes pile up you feel used.”). The speaker either confirms that he/she has been heard correctly, or tells the listener nicely that they have not heard them completely or at all – if they only got it part right, affirm that part and correct the part they missed. If they missed it completely, kindly try to say it again a little bit differently. You go back and forth until the speaker is satisfied that they have been heard.

The listener, at this point, cannot argue, correct facts, or “straighten out” the speaker. Their job is only to hear the content and heart of the speaker and repeat what they have heard so that the speaker KNOWS they have been heard correctly. This does not necessarily mean the listener agrees with the message. It shows they are hearing the message. There is a time and place to seek to work through our differing understandings of issues. But first, we need to really hear what our partner is saying and they need to hear us.

Do You Hear What I Hear? Part 1

Do You Hear What I Hear? (Part 1) By Rev. Frank J. Busbey, LPC

“That’s not what I said! You just don’t get it!” Ever say something like that? Or have you heard a loved one say something like this to you? Communication is an unbelievably complex and difficult process. The relationship of language, thought, speech and reality is very complex. To try bring it down to earth, every time we speak there are multiple messages. There is the message we intend to say. There is the message we actually say. And there is the message our listener hears. Add to the mix if we have more than one listener each one may hear things differently! I don’t know how many times after a sermon someone thanked me for saying something I didn’t think I had said!

No matter how carefully we try to craft our words, communication does not take place until a listener hears what we are trying to say. In the forest of relationships if the tree falls and no one hears it has NOT made a meaningful sound.

Communication is the life blood of relationships. Whether we are talking about a marriage, a parent-child relationship, a friendship or a work relationship, there has to be communication.

Even though it is incredibly difficult to convey a clear message I believe the hardest part of the communication process is listening! James 1:19 says, “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;” (ESV). Much of communication is non-verbal. This requires a good listener to listen with their eyes and heart as much as with their ears!