The Heart of Communication

The heart of communication is……… the heart!  I spend time in 

marriage therapy teaching communication skills – the infamous 

“Speaker – Listener Technique”.   If you’ve never done it is 

like riding a bike with training wheels on, or maybe more like 

knitting with mittens on!  Virtually everyone who does it feels 

it is artificial and awkward.  But it teaches assertive speaking and 

active listening.  Those are extremely helpful skills.   All of us can 

benefit by learning to be more direct yet less accusational in the 

way we communicate with our spouse.  Those famous “I” 

statements, done correctly, really make a difference.  And actually 

listening to our spouses words AND heart is critical to true 

intimacy and connection in marriage.  James 1:19 says, “Know 

this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow 

to speak, slow to anger;” (ESV)   Apply this to your marriage and 

see the difference it will make!

So we need to be lovingly assertive in the way we speak to our 

spouse.  And we have to do the hard work to discipline ourselves
to REALLY listening to them. 

Yet the heart of communication is the heart!  What I mean is
you have to care enough to really want to expose your heart and
soul to your mate (this is real intimacy!). You have to care
enough to deeply desire to know your wife’s or husband’s heart.  
Only that caring (= “love”) will give you the courage it takes to
bare your soul to your spouse and the patience to focus in when
your spouse is exposing their soul to you . Communication in
marriage is speaking the truth in love!  It is engaging your heart
first, then your ears and brains, and last of all engaging your
mouth in a kind, transparent revelation of your heart.

This really frightens a lot of guys.  It just ain’t natural for most of 

us!   But if you are going to love your wife like Christ loved the 

church and gave Himself for her, you will pray for the Holy Spirit 

to give you the courage to go for it!

And gals, when your guy comes stumbling and bumbling and 

doing a so-so job at this emotional intimacy stuff – praise him 

for the effort don’t criticize him for the imperfection!  Have pity 

on us – God didn’t give our brains as many synapses as He 

gave yours!

Bottom line – communication is hard work.  It requires a 

tremendous amount of courage, sweat, blood and tears!  And it 
begins and ends with the heart. 

How to End Marital Combat Or – How I Dropped My Sword and Shield and Learned to Love my Spouse

Nearly always marital conflict comes to involve childish behavior and condescending communication. A marital fight often resembles a middle school screaming match more than an adult discussion. The challenge is to own up to your own misbehavior and not get fixed on what you see as your spouse’s childishness. If they are acting childish it is very unlikely they will receive it well from you! Digging in your heels to try to force them to admit THEIR mistakes is likely to escalate the conflict not defuse it.

AVOID CROSS COMMUNICATION: Often one or both partners try to talk adult to child. “If you were responsible with our money, we wouldn’t be in this situation!” The result is you come across condescending and trigger more anger. Either your spouse gets hooked and reacts like a rebellious teenager, “You can’t tell me what to do!” Or, they try a reversal and talk down to you. It is not unusual for parts of a fight to involve child to child communication, “You NEVER listen to me” “You never respect me”.

SPEAK ADULT TO ADULT: The trick is to choose to genuinely speak to your mate adult to adult. This means no put downs, no sarcasm, no tricks and no games. We need to aim to treat our spouse (and other family members) with the same degree of respect and courtesy that we usually give to co-workers and common strangers! Sadly, we usually reserve our worst behavior for those closest to us. Relaxing and letting our hair down is one thing. Being mean and disrespectful is something else entirely.

DROP YOUR SWORD AND SHIELD! In the midst of a marital fight our body is reacting similarly as though we were confronted by an angry bear or were in the middle of combat. Brain scans show we use different parts of brains during anger or fear than we do when we are calm. These parts of the brain are not equipped for good reasoning, accurate memory, or fair assessments.

Part of “dropping your sword and shield” is adopting a team mentality. Your spouse is not your enemy. They are your team mate in life. The enemy is the misunderstanding or situation that causes marital stress. You and your spouse are on the same team. If one of you loses, the team loses. The team concept means you have to aim for win-win solutions.

Dropping your sword and shield will mean agreeing that either of you can call a time out at any time. Once either person has shifted into “flight or fight” mode constructive communication is pretty much impossible. A time out is needed. It’s o.k. to call a time out. It’s not o.k. to say “YOU need a time out!” (See “Avoid Cross Communication” above.) Either partner needs the right to call a time out at any time. Rather than anger, the problem may be exhaustion, a genuine lack of time due to unchangeable scheduling, emotionally not being ready. BUT WHOEVER CALLS A TIME OUT MUST TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR SUGGESTING A TIME TO RESUME THE CONVERSATION. A Time Out is not an excuse to stuff, bury or avoid.

Dropping your sword and shield means no name calling, no passive aggressive digs, no accusing, no eye rolling, and no sarcasm.

For more on communication in marriage see the two part “Do You Hear What I Hear” in my March 2010 blogs.

Do You Hear What I Hear? Part 2

“I know you think you heard what you think I said but what you believe you heard is not at all what I really said!” Been on the receiving end of a statement like that? Listening is a skill that requires energy, focus, and humility. In Proverbs 18:13 we read, “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.” The biggest obstacle in communication is a failure to really listen. Too often we believe we know where the other person is going, so we only half listen. Only God really knows exactly what someone is going to say before they say it. So humility demands we listen before we answer.

In marital fights it is very common for each person to half listen, with an “uh, huh” while they are really loading their mental gun for what they are going say when the other person pauses for breath or the “listener” interrupts. This is incredibly rude and it is not communication!

Very often counselors and pastors will teach active listening skills. The “Speaker – Listener” exercise is a common form of active listening skill training. One person is the designated speaker, the other the designated listener. You can use a piece of carpet or flooring tile if you choose. The one who has carpet/tile has the floor and is the speaker until they give it up. The speaker needs to be brief and use “I” statements (‘I feel used when the dishes sit in the sink undone’).

When the speaker is finished, the listener paraphrases what the speaker has said (“When the rest of us let the dishes pile up you feel used.”). The speaker either confirms that he/she has been heard correctly, or tells the listener nicely that they have not heard them completely or at all – if they only got it part right, affirm that part and correct the part they missed. If they missed it completely, kindly try to say it again a little bit differently. You go back and forth until the speaker is satisfied that they have been heard.

The listener, at this point, cannot argue, correct facts, or “straighten out” the speaker. Their job is only to hear the content and heart of the speaker and repeat what they have heard so that the speaker KNOWS they have been heard correctly. This does not necessarily mean the listener agrees with the message. It shows they are hearing the message. There is a time and place to seek to work through our differing understandings of issues. But first, we need to really hear what our partner is saying and they need to hear us.

Do You Hear What I Hear? Part 1

Do You Hear What I Hear? (Part 1) By Rev. Frank J. Busbey, LPC

“That’s not what I said! You just don’t get it!” Ever say something like that? Or have you heard a loved one say something like this to you? Communication is an unbelievably complex and difficult process. The relationship of language, thought, speech and reality is very complex. To try bring it down to earth, every time we speak there are multiple messages. There is the message we intend to say. There is the message we actually say. And there is the message our listener hears. Add to the mix if we have more than one listener each one may hear things differently! I don’t know how many times after a sermon someone thanked me for saying something I didn’t think I had said!

No matter how carefully we try to craft our words, communication does not take place until a listener hears what we are trying to say. In the forest of relationships if the tree falls and no one hears it has NOT made a meaningful sound.

Communication is the life blood of relationships. Whether we are talking about a marriage, a parent-child relationship, a friendship or a work relationship, there has to be communication.

Even though it is incredibly difficult to convey a clear message I believe the hardest part of the communication process is listening! James 1:19 says, “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;” (ESV). Much of communication is non-verbal. This requires a good listener to listen with their eyes and heart as much as with their ears!