Cheaters Never Win - But they can stop and come clean! (The Best Way to End an Affair)

You’ve had an affair.  You’ve decided you want your existing marriage to work.  What in the world do you do now?  First of all, in all sincerity I suggest you turn to God.  Ask for forgiveness because of Jesus Christ.  He is God become human (while remaining entirely God) who died to pay for the guilt of the sin of all who turn to Him in repentant faith.  Then determine to completely end your affair.  Cut it off completely.  As much as possible cut off all contact with your ex-lover.  No texts, no im’s, no Facebook contact, no phone calls and no ‘friendly lunches’.  This is also part of what is called repentance.  Ask God for strength to do this completely and thoroughly.  If they work the same place you do – what can you do to minimize contact with them?  Is changing jobs an option (your spouse may or may not insist on this).

Now one of the hardest things you will ever do in life:  confessing and apologizing to your spouse.  I hope you are reading this before doing this.  It is best to start right.  Pray for God to give you courage and to help your spouse with this.  This is NOT all about you.  Selfishness has brought you to this point.  It is time to set that aside and think about others, and especially your spouse.  You need to tell her/him the complete truth, no excuses and no blaming (See my previous blog, “The Devil Didn’t Make You Do It..” for more advice.).  Don’t fall for the lie that you can protect them.  They will find out.  It is best they hear it from you.  And who are you really trying to protect, your spouse or yourself?

I strongly suggest complete disclosure in the initial confession.  If you “piecemeal” your confession you will further erode trust and leave your spouse forever expecting another shoe to drop.  What I mean is don’t think you can start with “Well Honey it was just an emotional affair with a little hand holding and kissing” and then admit petting and finally admit intercourse.  It won’t fly.  Tell her/him everything – in generalities.  Don’t give a detailed narrative of every sex act, position – skip the play by play!  That reinforces mental images that your spouse will have a difficult time ever getting rid of.  Those images will slow down the process of healing, reinforce anger and unforgiveness.  They need to know who, what and how long.  Answer questions completely and honestly – don’t force your spouse to ask the perfect question – that creates even more mistrust.

If your indiscretion was pornography I suggest admitting that and the nature of the pornography.  Was it adults, teens, children?  Was it homosexual, lesbian, heterosexual?  Was is strictly nudity or did it involve watching sex acts?  Did it involve bondage, S&M, bestiality?  Once again, avoid a play by play.  Your spouse may ask to see the sites you have visited.  I suggest gently responding you think that is not good, “Let’s discuss that with a counselor and see what they say.”  Your spouse does NOT need those mental images in her/his mind.  The same kind of response may be order if you had a physical affair and in anger your spouse is asking for a play by play of what you did with the other person.

Whether we are talking about a physical affair or extensive involvement in pornography (more than once or twice), if you are blessed and your spouse is willing to try to save your marriage,  you need to find an experienced, qualified counselor to help you and your spouse walk through this to try to save your marriage.  Your relationship has suffered an extreme wound.  To have any chance of surviving and healing correctly you need skillful intervention as soon as possible.

The Devil Didn't Make You Do It! (Responsibility in an Affair)

Let’s start with the bottom line: the person who chooses to cheat is 100% responsible for their choice and for the affair. Any refusal to own up to this will undermine their spouses healing and efforts to forgive. Blaming the offended spouse is especially injurious to reconciliation. Don’t blame your upbringing. Don’t blame your spouse’s shortcomings. Don’t blame your hormones. You made a wrong and evil decision – man up! (Or Woman up!) Admit it, apologize for it, ask for forgiveness. If you desire reconciliation – ask for that and be ready to pay the price emotionally to help that happen. (Now, your upbringing may be a factor in why you made the wrong decision – you may need to explore this and learn from it – but it does not excuse what you did!

All marriages have problems and are less than perfect. Many marriages impacted by infidelity are more troubled than average (but not all). Both spouses are responsible for the problems in the marriage. Both need to accept responsibility for change to improve their marriage. 

A sensitive (and inconvenient) truth is that the short comings in the marriage may contribute to the unfaithful spouse’s decision to be unfaithful. This is where it can get tricky. Many factors contribute to every decision we make, good or bad. But we alone are responsible for those decisions. “The Devil made me do it” doesn’t play well! You may have had a very unstable childhood. Your spouse may have been very distant and neglectful. You may have had too much drink the first time you slept with the other person. You are still 100% responsible for the  choice you made. Even if your spouse was truly horrible, you had other alternatives to deal with that.

Contributing factors in the relationship need to be recognized and addressed because they will continue to undermine the relationship if they are not. But none of them remove or shift responsibility for the moral wrong involved. The first step to healing your marriage is accepting full, unequivocable responsibility for what you did. 

I have seen many marriages saved after an affair.  But it requires tremendous courage and a lot of hard work by both spouses.   The offended partner will have a lot of anger to deal with.  The struggle to forgive is huge.  And rebuilding enough trust to make the marriage work is usually the hardest of all.

If your marriage has been intruded on by an affair, and both partners say they want it to work, see a good marriage counselor.  Don't try to negotiate this enormously difficult task on your own.

Conflict Zone or Safe haven part three

More on the 6 Key Building Blocks of a Safe Haven Marriage:

Chosen and Committed – we need to know that out of all the people in the world our spouse chose us….. and hopefully would do so again! It is crucial that we have confidence our spouse is committed to us and our marriage. How are you doing in giving your spouse those messages that they are chosen by you and you are committed to them?

Trust – definitely trust that our partner will be sexually faithful, but much more. Trust they will be emotionally faithful. Trust they have our back and are committed to our best interest.

Available and Attuned – Does your spouse know they are the #1 priority in your life after God? Do they know you will be there for them? When you are physically present are you there emotionally? Do you “get” them? Intimacy is more than physical nudity. It is knowing and being known at a deep level. Are you growing there with your partner?

Responsive – We need a partner who cares enough to show compassion and even enough to try to change when we need that! “I hear you, I care, I will do whatever I can for you” is the message we need to give and need to hear back!

Repair – No matter how hard we try, we are human, finite, fallen and we will fail. What do you do when you fail in your marriage? Take for granted your partner understands? Not even think about it? Try to hide it or defensively excuse it? Or woman up, or man up and take responsibility and try to make it right? Effective repair is a crucial skill for a marriage that makes it in the long run.

Becoming (self reflect, influenceable, willing to grow/change/mature) – If you have married 5 years or more you are Not married to the same person you said “I do” to! Whether we mature or revert, we change over time. Are you changing together or separately? Are you changing in similar directions? Are you receptive to influence from your spouse? Gottman’s research showed that it is extremely important that a husband be open to influence from his wife. This was true in a large percentage of healthy marriages and missing in most distressed marriages. The healthiest marriages are those in which husband and wife are growing in similar directions emotionally, spiritually and intellectually. This requires intentionally sharing some growth experiences and constant work at good communication.

Conflict Zone or Safe Haven part two

Theology of Marriage – part 2

Genesis 2:18-25

Vs 23 - 25, (ESV) ²³Then the man said, "This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man."

²⁴ Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. ²⁵And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

Marriage is Divinely intended to meet man and woman’s deepest earthly need for intimacy. I believe we are created to yearn for the kind of oneness and acceptance Adam and Eve enjoyed in the garden. We earnestly desire to truly be one flesh with a partner we can be also be naked and not ashamed with.

“One flesh” includes the sexual act, but also much more. “Naked and not ashamed” – also much more than just lacking clothing without embarrassment. They Include emotional and spiritual openness and full disclosure of our heart.

Remember, these two, Adam and Eve, were innocent humans free from any taint or impairment of sin. No brokenness to deal with – no taint of inner sin, no influence of sinful society, no baggage of imperfect parenting. Few if any marriages will perfectly reach this level of intimacy. And yet this is what we yearn for.

Safe Haven Marriage

Dr. Archibald Hart and his daughter Dr. Sharon May developed the concept of “Safe Haven Marriage” out of Emotion Focused Therapy. I believe this gels with the theology we’ve considered.

Premise – We long for a caring, connected relationship in which you are each heard, understood, valued and a source of love and comfort for each other. We are created to yearn for a relationship as close to Genesis 2 as we can get!

6 Key Building Blocks of a Safe Haven Marriage:

Chosen and Committed

Trust

Available and Attuned

Responsive

Repair

Becoming (self reflect, influenceable, willing to grow/change/mature)

Conflict Zone or Safe Haven part 0ne

Conflict will happen! It is unavoidable – remember our theology – we are ALL born with a sin nature (Psalm 51), been raised by fallen, imperfect people in a society that is in rebellion against God (Ephesians 2). So marriage = 2 fallen sinners bringing all their selfishness and baggage into the relationship. How can any who knows these truths expect marriage to be easy?

“If I find the right person marriage will be easy and we won’t have to work so hard at it.” Many think that way, but it is a lie from the pit of hell! Because of the universality of sin even the best marriages will take a lot of hard work. Write it down, in every marriage conflict is going to happen.

John Gottman’s research

(30 years of research with over 1,000 couples studied.) 69% of couple arguments (in good and bad relationships) are about perpetual problems. The difference? Distressed couples get gridlocked on the perpetual issues but Happy couples develop a “dialogue with perpetual problems.” Gridlock happens when one or both partners takes a "my way or the highway" stance on perpetual problems. This is a recipe for failure!

Dialogue with perpetual problems

We need to learn to resolve the resolvable, and communicate about the unresolvable! Resolution of perpetual problems is not what matters! What matters?

1. The affect, the emotion felt and shown. Even anger is acceptable, but contempt and rejection are not.

2. The ability to exchange viewpoints. We need to be able to clearly tell our spouse what we think and what we want. We also need to be able to hear what they think and want with respect. You need to be able to give your spouse the message, “I like you and accept you, but will you please do everything you can to change in this area – but I am committed to you even if you are not able to change.”

3. Continued dialogue. The issue is not avoided, gridlock and contempt are avoided. Nagging is replaced by honest, compassionate discussion. “I see the effort you are making to be aware of my needs, is there a way I can help?” instead of “You are hopeless and insensitive and never think of anyone but yourself!”

Two “Staples” of Marriages that Work

1. 1. An overall level of positive affect. In plain English, more positive feelings than negative ones.

2. 2. An ability to reduce negative affect during conflict resolution. Both the ability to sooth yourself and to sooth your partner. Can you often calm yourself down when you start to get angry? Can you effectively help your partner calm down?