The Devil Didn't Make You Do It! (Responsibility in an Affair)

Let’s start with the bottom line: the person who chooses to cheat is 100% responsible for their choice and for the affair. Any refusal to own up to this will undermine their spouses healing and efforts to forgive. Blaming the offended spouse is especially injurious to reconciliation. Don’t blame your upbringing. Don’t blame your spouse’s shortcomings. Don’t blame your hormones. You made a wrong and evil decision – man up! (Or Woman up!) Admit it, apologize for it, ask for forgiveness. If you desire reconciliation – ask for that and be ready to pay the price emotionally to help that happen. (Now, your upbringing may be a factor in why you made the wrong decision – you may need to explore this and learn from it – but it does not excuse what you did!

All marriages have problems and are less than perfect. Many marriages impacted by infidelity are more troubled than average (but not all). Both spouses are responsible for the problems in the marriage. Both need to accept responsibility for change to improve their marriage. 

A sensitive (and inconvenient) truth is that the short comings in the marriage may contribute to the unfaithful spouse’s decision to be unfaithful. This is where it can get tricky. Many factors contribute to every decision we make, good or bad. But we alone are responsible for those decisions. “The Devil made me do it” doesn’t play well! You may have had a very unstable childhood. Your spouse may have been very distant and neglectful. You may have had too much drink the first time you slept with the other person. You are still 100% responsible for the  choice you made. Even if your spouse was truly horrible, you had other alternatives to deal with that.

Contributing factors in the relationship need to be recognized and addressed because they will continue to undermine the relationship if they are not. But none of them remove or shift responsibility for the moral wrong involved. The first step to healing your marriage is accepting full, unequivocable responsibility for what you did. 

I have seen many marriages saved after an affair.  But it requires tremendous courage and a lot of hard work by both spouses.   The offended partner will have a lot of anger to deal with.  The struggle to forgive is huge.  And rebuilding enough trust to make the marriage work is usually the hardest of all.

If your marriage has been intruded on by an affair, and both partners say they want it to work, see a good marriage counselor.  Don't try to negotiate this enormously difficult task on your own.

Father?? Really?

William Tyndale’s translation laid the foundation for the King James Bible.  I find His translation of Ephesians 3:14-15 pregnant with meaning as I consider Fathers’ Day. “¹⁴ For this cause I bowe my knees unto the father of oure lorde Jesus Christ  ¹⁵ which is father over all that ys called father In heven and in erth.”  In the Greek the second occurrence of  “father” in verse 15 is “patria” (the first is “pater”).  They are related words.  Most often “patria” is translated “family”.  Of more modern translations the New Jerusalem Bible is the only one I found that follows Tyndale somewhat.  They translate, “¹⁴ This, then, is what I pray, kneeling before the Father, ¹⁵ from whom every fatherhood, in heaven or on earth, takes its name.”  But several study Bibles or footnotes make note that “patria” could be rendered “father” or that it is related to the word for “father”.

“The Father of all fatherhood”…… “Father of all that is called father”…… 

I am tempted to say that God has chosen to reveal Himself as Father.  Yet Scripture seems to say something even more outrageous to our modern ears.  The first person of the Trinity IS Father. 

Even aside from feminist thinking, this is challenging for many people.  Some earthly fathers are scoundrels!  As a pastoral psychotherapist I hear horror stories of what some fathers have done to their children.  You hear similar stories in the news, stories of abuse, torture, incest.  It is far more potent when you are sitting a few feet away and looking in the eyes of a survivor who is telling THEIR personal story of mistreatment. 

Then on a different level there are the fathers who simply are not there.  There are fathers who are there physically, don’t beat their children with their fist, yet beat them down with criticism and put downs.  There are fathers who get drunk or high and scream in their children’s faces for hours.  Some fathers are wonderful, some are horrible.  Some are a confusing combination of violence and tenderness (see my previous blog about human nature).

Drs. Tim Clinton and Joshua Straub in their book “God Attachment” quote several studies that confirm what I always heard in Sunday School and sermons.  Our image of God the Father is powerfully impacted by our relationship to our earthly father!  Dads, you need to take this seriously!  If you are harsh and demanding your kids will usually instinctively expect God to be harsh and demanding!   If you seem distant and disinterested in them, at the deepest level of their wounded heart they will usually expect God to be far away and uncaring.  But if you are nearly always accessible, involved, caring yet firm then they will usually expect their heavenly Father to be the same. 

Many of us carry “father-wounds” of one degree or another.  This does not mean we are hopelessly broken.  It may mean for many that you will face challenges in experiencing God as He really is.  It may mean impairment in other areas of life.  But our loving Father has provided means by which we can find healing.  If you have struggles in this area seek out a safe, Biblical church.  If your struggles are deep enough you may also need to find a counselor who is aware of these things and able to help.

Who Needs to see a Counselor?

… “I put off coming to you because only crazy people go to counselors!” I hear that fairly often! I usually try to help the client normalize their feelings by agreeing that a lot of people feel that way. But actually everyone has problems and it requires wisdom and a degree of maturity to admit we can benefit from talking to someone with the training and gifts to help.

In fact, some of my most exciting times as a pastoral counselor have been when someone has come simply seeking personal growth. Helping with the overwhelming crises of life is rewarding and makes up much of my work. But even then, once you get past the “help me survive” phase, the focus shifts to helping the person find a way to grow through the crisis God has allowed in their life. Helping people grow in faith, grow in maturity, grow as persons is what Christian counseling is all about. Scripture makes clear that God’s purpose in every believer’s life is for us to be growing more and more into the image of His beloved Son (2 Cor. 3:18; Gal. 4:19; Rom. 8:29).

Sometimes we hit growth barriers that need a more objective viewpoint. If you are there, think of reaching out to someone for help. If you are a pastor and know someone who is there and your schedule doesn’t permit investing the time they need, send them my way!

Assisting in growth is more about asking the right questions than having all the answers. I don’t have all the answers, but I prayerfully work at asking the right kind of questions. Is there something in your past that contributes to this barrier? Is there a way of thinking, an attitude that needs adjustment to move ahead? Are you holding onto something you need to let go of? Is “the problem” really the problem or is there something else going on? The list is endless and has to be tailored for each person.

The Power of Your Story

I’m sure someone has pointed out to how often Jesus used stories (think “Parables”) to teach. Most of us love a good story. I find it so much easier to get into a novel than a non-fiction book. I think one reason I love my work as a counselor is I get paid to listen to people tell their stories all day long! Stories are not just interesting, they have great potential to be powerful, even life changing. That is why Jesus used them so much. In the book of Revelation we are told “they overcame by the blood of the Lamb and by their testimony.” What is their testimony? The story of the work of Christ in their life.

Understanding the story of your life can be powerful. Christian psychologist Dan Allender wrote a book, “To Be Told” that guides the reader through steps to see their past as a story that leads to a healthier future.
The Bible is a story. It is a story of creation, sin, wandering and redemption. Above all it is a love story. God is the Author of this love story. And He is the Author of the story of your life. “What about human free will and responsibility?” That is the subject for another blog!

For right now I would challenge you to think of your life as a story God is orchestrating and ask what lessons you can learn from the story of your life so far. What does it show about your heart, your hopes, your deepest desires? What does it show about God? What clues might you find about what the next chapter might look like? Keep in mind the story is not a finished work. Remember your story intersects countless other stories and our infinite, wise God is writing all these stories into one great story of victory and redemption through pain and tragedy.

I am finding that much of my work as a counselor is to hear what my clients tell me and help them hear what they have told me. What I mean is people often don’t realize what they have said. When they are in a safe place and begin opening their heart they pour out wisdom from their life and about their life without realizing it. When I cut in and give my understanding of what they’ve said sometimes they correct me, sometimes they react as if I’ve just said something profoundly wise – all I’ve done is reflect back what they have revealed. Sometimes their correction of my misunderstanding leads them or me to a key understanding. Very often the telling of their story and their increased understanding of it through hearing it reflected is a key to growth and healing.

It might be helpful to take time to sit down pray for the Lord to lead you and either write your story out or speak it into a recorder. Then prayerfully review it and ask some of the questions above and others that come to your mind. What do you learn from the story and from the questions and answers? What questions do your ‘answers’ lead to?

Another option would be to seek out a counselor or a spiritual director and let God lead and speak through them. Just be open to the power of your story.

Soul Doctor??

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I am a Masters level psychotherapist and pastor. For those who know the lingo, I am a LPC – licensed professional counselor, licensed in the state of Georgia. I intentionally and openly blend psychology and the Christian faith. This is not imposed on my clients, but I expose this fact to them from the very beginning. If they don’t want “God talk”, I will do “straight” psychotherapy – but they will know my value system is formed by my understanding of the Bible. I hold a Masters in Professional Counseling and a Masters in Religion.

Most of my clients come seeking Christian counseling. What they find is my blend of pastoral psychotherapy. I believe humankind is created in the image and likeness of our Creator. Our earliest ancestors failed, sinned and brought brokenness and corruption into the world and into our hearts. We all bear fragmented parts of the image and likeness of God mingled with brokenness, “muck”, sin. I see this taught in Scripture and confirmed when I hear the news, listen to my friends or clients, or look honestly in my own heart.

What I do in the counseling room is a blend of cognitive behavioral therapy, family systems therapy, emotion focused therapy, and insight oriented therapy. For me, all this is put through the lens and grid of Holy Scripture. My clients find two big ears (and hopefully a heart) that listen to their heart. They find skill training in relationships and how to deal with real problems including anxiety, depression, failing marriages, sexual addiction, mid-life issues. When needed, we look at their past and try to find help to get past the baggage childhood may have brought them. And I am always sensitive to how their faith resources can assist in their healing.

How can I help you? Send an e-mail to revbuzz@juno.com and let me know. I’m one messed up sinner who tries to let God use him to help other messed up sinners. That is what I understand a Soul Doctor to be!