Cheaters Never Win - But they can stop and come clean! (The Best Way to End an Affair)

You’ve had an affair.  You’ve decided you want your existing marriage to work.  What in the world do you do now?  First of all, in all sincerity I suggest you turn to God.  Ask for forgiveness because of Jesus Christ.  He is God become human (while remaining entirely God) who died to pay for the guilt of the sin of all who turn to Him in repentant faith.  Then determine to completely end your affair.  Cut it off completely.  As much as possible cut off all contact with your ex-lover.  No texts, no im’s, no Facebook contact, no phone calls and no ‘friendly lunches’.  This is also part of what is called repentance.  Ask God for strength to do this completely and thoroughly.  If they work the same place you do – what can you do to minimize contact with them?  Is changing jobs an option (your spouse may or may not insist on this).

Now one of the hardest things you will ever do in life:  confessing and apologizing to your spouse.  I hope you are reading this before doing this.  It is best to start right.  Pray for God to give you courage and to help your spouse with this.  This is NOT all about you.  Selfishness has brought you to this point.  It is time to set that aside and think about others, and especially your spouse.  You need to tell her/him the complete truth, no excuses and no blaming (See my previous blog, “The Devil Didn’t Make You Do It..” for more advice.).  Don’t fall for the lie that you can protect them.  They will find out.  It is best they hear it from you.  And who are you really trying to protect, your spouse or yourself?

I strongly suggest complete disclosure in the initial confession.  If you “piecemeal” your confession you will further erode trust and leave your spouse forever expecting another shoe to drop.  What I mean is don’t think you can start with “Well Honey it was just an emotional affair with a little hand holding and kissing” and then admit petting and finally admit intercourse.  It won’t fly.  Tell her/him everything – in generalities.  Don’t give a detailed narrative of every sex act, position – skip the play by play!  That reinforces mental images that your spouse will have a difficult time ever getting rid of.  Those images will slow down the process of healing, reinforce anger and unforgiveness.  They need to know who, what and how long.  Answer questions completely and honestly – don’t force your spouse to ask the perfect question – that creates even more mistrust.

If your indiscretion was pornography I suggest admitting that and the nature of the pornography.  Was it adults, teens, children?  Was it homosexual, lesbian, heterosexual?  Was is strictly nudity or did it involve watching sex acts?  Did it involve bondage, S&M, bestiality?  Once again, avoid a play by play.  Your spouse may ask to see the sites you have visited.  I suggest gently responding you think that is not good, “Let’s discuss that with a counselor and see what they say.”  Your spouse does NOT need those mental images in her/his mind.  The same kind of response may be order if you had a physical affair and in anger your spouse is asking for a play by play of what you did with the other person.

Whether we are talking about a physical affair or extensive involvement in pornography (more than once or twice), if you are blessed and your spouse is willing to try to save your marriage,  you need to find an experienced, qualified counselor to help you and your spouse walk through this to try to save your marriage.  Your relationship has suffered an extreme wound.  To have any chance of surviving and healing correctly you need skillful intervention as soon as possible.

The Devil Didn't Make You Do It! (Responsibility in an Affair)

Let’s start with the bottom line: the person who chooses to cheat is 100% responsible for their choice and for the affair. Any refusal to own up to this will undermine their spouses healing and efforts to forgive. Blaming the offended spouse is especially injurious to reconciliation. Don’t blame your upbringing. Don’t blame your spouse’s shortcomings. Don’t blame your hormones. You made a wrong and evil decision – man up! (Or Woman up!) Admit it, apologize for it, ask for forgiveness. If you desire reconciliation – ask for that and be ready to pay the price emotionally to help that happen. (Now, your upbringing may be a factor in why you made the wrong decision – you may need to explore this and learn from it – but it does not excuse what you did!

All marriages have problems and are less than perfect. Many marriages impacted by infidelity are more troubled than average (but not all). Both spouses are responsible for the problems in the marriage. Both need to accept responsibility for change to improve their marriage. 

A sensitive (and inconvenient) truth is that the short comings in the marriage may contribute to the unfaithful spouse’s decision to be unfaithful. This is where it can get tricky. Many factors contribute to every decision we make, good or bad. But we alone are responsible for those decisions. “The Devil made me do it” doesn’t play well! You may have had a very unstable childhood. Your spouse may have been very distant and neglectful. You may have had too much drink the first time you slept with the other person. You are still 100% responsible for the  choice you made. Even if your spouse was truly horrible, you had other alternatives to deal with that.

Contributing factors in the relationship need to be recognized and addressed because they will continue to undermine the relationship if they are not. But none of them remove or shift responsibility for the moral wrong involved. The first step to healing your marriage is accepting full, unequivocable responsibility for what you did. 

I have seen many marriages saved after an affair.  But it requires tremendous courage and a lot of hard work by both spouses.   The offended partner will have a lot of anger to deal with.  The struggle to forgive is huge.  And rebuilding enough trust to make the marriage work is usually the hardest of all.

If your marriage has been intruded on by an affair, and both partners say they want it to work, see a good marriage counselor.  Don't try to negotiate this enormously difficult task on your own.

Who Needs to see a Counselor?

… “I put off coming to you because only crazy people go to counselors!” I hear that fairly often! I usually try to help the client normalize their feelings by agreeing that a lot of people feel that way. But actually everyone has problems and it requires wisdom and a degree of maturity to admit we can benefit from talking to someone with the training and gifts to help.

In fact, some of my most exciting times as a pastoral counselor have been when someone has come simply seeking personal growth. Helping with the overwhelming crises of life is rewarding and makes up much of my work. But even then, once you get past the “help me survive” phase, the focus shifts to helping the person find a way to grow through the crisis God has allowed in their life. Helping people grow in faith, grow in maturity, grow as persons is what Christian counseling is all about. Scripture makes clear that God’s purpose in every believer’s life is for us to be growing more and more into the image of His beloved Son (2 Cor. 3:18; Gal. 4:19; Rom. 8:29).

Sometimes we hit growth barriers that need a more objective viewpoint. If you are there, think of reaching out to someone for help. If you are a pastor and know someone who is there and your schedule doesn’t permit investing the time they need, send them my way!

Assisting in growth is more about asking the right questions than having all the answers. I don’t have all the answers, but I prayerfully work at asking the right kind of questions. Is there something in your past that contributes to this barrier? Is there a way of thinking, an attitude that needs adjustment to move ahead? Are you holding onto something you need to let go of? Is “the problem” really the problem or is there something else going on? The list is endless and has to be tailored for each person.

The Power of Your Story

I’m sure someone has pointed out to how often Jesus used stories (think “Parables”) to teach. Most of us love a good story. I find it so much easier to get into a novel than a non-fiction book. I think one reason I love my work as a counselor is I get paid to listen to people tell their stories all day long! Stories are not just interesting, they have great potential to be powerful, even life changing. That is why Jesus used them so much. In the book of Revelation we are told “they overcame by the blood of the Lamb and by their testimony.” What is their testimony? The story of the work of Christ in their life.

Understanding the story of your life can be powerful. Christian psychologist Dan Allender wrote a book, “To Be Told” that guides the reader through steps to see their past as a story that leads to a healthier future.
The Bible is a story. It is a story of creation, sin, wandering and redemption. Above all it is a love story. God is the Author of this love story. And He is the Author of the story of your life. “What about human free will and responsibility?” That is the subject for another blog!

For right now I would challenge you to think of your life as a story God is orchestrating and ask what lessons you can learn from the story of your life so far. What does it show about your heart, your hopes, your deepest desires? What does it show about God? What clues might you find about what the next chapter might look like? Keep in mind the story is not a finished work. Remember your story intersects countless other stories and our infinite, wise God is writing all these stories into one great story of victory and redemption through pain and tragedy.

I am finding that much of my work as a counselor is to hear what my clients tell me and help them hear what they have told me. What I mean is people often don’t realize what they have said. When they are in a safe place and begin opening their heart they pour out wisdom from their life and about their life without realizing it. When I cut in and give my understanding of what they’ve said sometimes they correct me, sometimes they react as if I’ve just said something profoundly wise – all I’ve done is reflect back what they have revealed. Sometimes their correction of my misunderstanding leads them or me to a key understanding. Very often the telling of their story and their increased understanding of it through hearing it reflected is a key to growth and healing.

It might be helpful to take time to sit down pray for the Lord to lead you and either write your story out or speak it into a recorder. Then prayerfully review it and ask some of the questions above and others that come to your mind. What do you learn from the story and from the questions and answers? What questions do your ‘answers’ lead to?

Another option would be to seek out a counselor or a spiritual director and let God lead and speak through them. Just be open to the power of your story.