The Heart of Communication

The heart of communication is……… the heart!  I spend time in 

marriage therapy teaching communication skills – the infamous 

“Speaker – Listener Technique”.   If you’ve never done it is 

like riding a bike with training wheels on, or maybe more like 

knitting with mittens on!  Virtually everyone who does it feels 

it is artificial and awkward.  But it teaches assertive speaking and 

active listening.  Those are extremely helpful skills.   All of us can 

benefit by learning to be more direct yet less accusational in the 

way we communicate with our spouse.  Those famous “I” 

statements, done correctly, really make a difference.  And actually 

listening to our spouses words AND heart is critical to true 

intimacy and connection in marriage.  James 1:19 says, “Know 

this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow 

to speak, slow to anger;” (ESV)   Apply this to your marriage and 

see the difference it will make!

So we need to be lovingly assertive in the way we speak to our 

spouse.  And we have to do the hard work to discipline ourselves
to REALLY listening to them. 

Yet the heart of communication is the heart!  What I mean is
you have to care enough to really want to expose your heart and
soul to your mate (this is real intimacy!). You have to care
enough to deeply desire to know your wife’s or husband’s heart.  
Only that caring (= “love”) will give you the courage it takes to
bare your soul to your spouse and the patience to focus in when
your spouse is exposing their soul to you . Communication in
marriage is speaking the truth in love!  It is engaging your heart
first, then your ears and brains, and last of all engaging your
mouth in a kind, transparent revelation of your heart.

This really frightens a lot of guys.  It just ain’t natural for most of 

us!   But if you are going to love your wife like Christ loved the 

church and gave Himself for her, you will pray for the Holy Spirit 

to give you the courage to go for it!

And gals, when your guy comes stumbling and bumbling and 

doing a so-so job at this emotional intimacy stuff – praise him 

for the effort don’t criticize him for the imperfection!  Have pity 

on us – God didn’t give our brains as many synapses as He 

gave yours!

Bottom line – communication is hard work.  It requires a 

tremendous amount of courage, sweat, blood and tears!  And it 
begins and ends with the heart. 

Do You Hear What I Hear? Part 2

“I know you think you heard what you think I said but what you believe you heard is not at all what I really said!” Been on the receiving end of a statement like that? Listening is a skill that requires energy, focus, and humility. In Proverbs 18:13 we read, “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.” The biggest obstacle in communication is a failure to really listen. Too often we believe we know where the other person is going, so we only half listen. Only God really knows exactly what someone is going to say before they say it. So humility demands we listen before we answer.

In marital fights it is very common for each person to half listen, with an “uh, huh” while they are really loading their mental gun for what they are going say when the other person pauses for breath or the “listener” interrupts. This is incredibly rude and it is not communication!

Very often counselors and pastors will teach active listening skills. The “Speaker – Listener” exercise is a common form of active listening skill training. One person is the designated speaker, the other the designated listener. You can use a piece of carpet or flooring tile if you choose. The one who has carpet/tile has the floor and is the speaker until they give it up. The speaker needs to be brief and use “I” statements (‘I feel used when the dishes sit in the sink undone’).

When the speaker is finished, the listener paraphrases what the speaker has said (“When the rest of us let the dishes pile up you feel used.”). The speaker either confirms that he/she has been heard correctly, or tells the listener nicely that they have not heard them completely or at all – if they only got it part right, affirm that part and correct the part they missed. If they missed it completely, kindly try to say it again a little bit differently. You go back and forth until the speaker is satisfied that they have been heard.

The listener, at this point, cannot argue, correct facts, or “straighten out” the speaker. Their job is only to hear the content and heart of the speaker and repeat what they have heard so that the speaker KNOWS they have been heard correctly. This does not necessarily mean the listener agrees with the message. It shows they are hearing the message. There is a time and place to seek to work through our differing understandings of issues. But first, we need to really hear what our partner is saying and they need to hear us.

Warning, Silly Love Songs May be Dangerous to Your Marriage!

Should Silly Love Songs Have an Advisory Warning?

“Warning, this song contains misguided concepts that may be dangerous to your marriage and emotional and physical health.” Mmmmmm, would you buy a record with that label on it? My guess is most people would! Look how cigarettes sell with the warning they carry. But why am I being a humbug suggesting there is something wrong with love songs? Paul and Linda McCartney wrote, “You'd think that people Would have had enough Of silly love songs, I look around me and I see it isn't so, Some people wanna fill the world With silly love songs, And what's wrong with that?”

Let me concede there is a place for love songs – I am not seeking to start a “ban all love songs” movement. I want to make the serious point that our ideas about love need to be shaped by something other than popular songs and common sentiment. We marry because we allegedly love someone and we divorce because love has allegedly died. It seems extremely important to have a clear idea of what love really is.

In the Bible we read, “^4(A) Love is patient and^(B) kind; love^(C) does not envy or boast; it^(D) is not arrogant ⁵or rude. It^(E) does not insist on its own way; it^(F) is not irritable or resentful;^{[a] 6}it^(G) does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but^(H) rejoices with the truth. ^7(I) Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things,^(J) endures all things.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (English Standard Version). It seems to me the focus here is on action and attitude and only secondarily on feelings. Most silly love songs and popular sentiment focus on warm, “ooey, gooey” feelings. Hey, I LIKE those kinds of feelings! They feel good. They can really pull two people powerfully toward each other. But are they lasting, and are they love?

In many places in Scripture we are commanded to love. In John 13:34 Jesus said, “^34(BG) A new commandment^(BH) I give to you,^(BI) that you love one another:^(BJ) just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. ^35(BK) By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." And in Ephesians 5:25 we are told, “^25(AY) Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and^(AZ) gave himself up for her.” Can feelings be commanded? Can we turn feelings on and off? In a February 14, 2010 sermon Pastor Randy Pope of Perimeter Church said, “Love is a commitment based on the will of God, often undergirded by an emotion.” Commitments can be commanded. We can decide to make a commitment.

Feelings are a part of love. Romance needs to be a part of marital love. Feelings are, however, very fragile. They are influenced by biology, weather, dietary influences, lack of sleep etc. I would suggest that Pastor Pope has nailed what God is demanding from us in His command to love – a commitment based on the will of God, often undergirded by an emotion.

When a man and woman make their wedding vows they are making a commitment. They are entering a covenant relationship with each other. Romantic feeling will come and go in the best of relationships. This does NOT mean that love comes and goes! The commitment based on the will of God stands even when the feelings wane. When we choose to stand on that commitment in time the feelings will come back. The absence of the “ooey gooey” feelings does not mean love is dead and certainly does not mean a marriage should be ended.

Often when a couple comes into the counselor’s office with marital problems those feelings are gone for one person or for both. Can the counselor speak those feelings back into being? We wish we could. What we can do is help the couple realize ways in which they need to get back to the attitudes and actions of 1 Corinthians 13 (patience, kindness, unselfishness, humility etc.). We can help them improve communication skills, conflict resolution skills, and problem solving skills. If there is underlying commitment and goodwill we can help them see this and to understand the value of these things. A counselor can provide a relatively safe place for resentments, fears, and hurts to be discussed. Silly love songs don’t deal with things like these. Facing these things together can bring about the birth or restoration of a solid love relationship. That’s what this Soul Doctor thinks.