The Heart of Communication

The heart of communication is……… the heart!  I spend time in 

marriage therapy teaching communication skills – the infamous 

“Speaker – Listener Technique”.   If you’ve never done it is 

like riding a bike with training wheels on, or maybe more like 

knitting with mittens on!  Virtually everyone who does it feels 

it is artificial and awkward.  But it teaches assertive speaking and 

active listening.  Those are extremely helpful skills.   All of us can 

benefit by learning to be more direct yet less accusational in the 

way we communicate with our spouse.  Those famous “I” 

statements, done correctly, really make a difference.  And actually 

listening to our spouses words AND heart is critical to true 

intimacy and connection in marriage.  James 1:19 says, “Know 

this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow 

to speak, slow to anger;” (ESV)   Apply this to your marriage and 

see the difference it will make!

So we need to be lovingly assertive in the way we speak to our 

spouse.  And we have to do the hard work to discipline ourselves
to REALLY listening to them. 

Yet the heart of communication is the heart!  What I mean is
you have to care enough to really want to expose your heart and
soul to your mate (this is real intimacy!). You have to care
enough to deeply desire to know your wife’s or husband’s heart.  
Only that caring (= “love”) will give you the courage it takes to
bare your soul to your spouse and the patience to focus in when
your spouse is exposing their soul to you . Communication in
marriage is speaking the truth in love!  It is engaging your heart
first, then your ears and brains, and last of all engaging your
mouth in a kind, transparent revelation of your heart.

This really frightens a lot of guys.  It just ain’t natural for most of 

us!   But if you are going to love your wife like Christ loved the 

church and gave Himself for her, you will pray for the Holy Spirit 

to give you the courage to go for it!

And gals, when your guy comes stumbling and bumbling and 

doing a so-so job at this emotional intimacy stuff – praise him 

for the effort don’t criticize him for the imperfection!  Have pity 

on us – God didn’t give our brains as many synapses as He 

gave yours!

Bottom line – communication is hard work.  It requires a 

tremendous amount of courage, sweat, blood and tears!  And it 
begins and ends with the heart. 

Safe Places, Pharisees and Parking Lots!

“I was not in safety, neither had I rest, neither was I quiet; yet trouble came.” Job 3:26, KJV. I believe a major part of my ministry as a pastoral counselor is creating a safe place for the people who come into my office. Many have never been to a counselor before and have a lot of fear and misgivings. Prayerfully, with the help of God I try to help people come to feel safe, secure, loved and accepted.

Interestingly, the English Standard Version translates that first phrase in Job 3:26, “I am not at ease…” A safe place is place where people can be at ease to open their hearts and pour out the weights, the burdens the hurts that have festered for years or even decades. We all have times we need a safe place where we can say what we have never said before.

Part of why my office is a safe place is legally as a licensed professional counselor I must maintain confidentiality. What is said here stays here.

Perhaps a larger reason it is a safe place is Biblical values. I see in Scripture the high importance of compassion, mercy, and acceptance. I see in Scripture that wonderful, godly people sometimes blow it in major ways (just think of David, Moses and Peter = an adulterer, 2 murderers and 2 liars)! Without condoning sin a pastoral counselor must accept people as they are – broken bearers of the image of God. (See my post "Are We Good, Bad, or Ugly?") We all need a place where we can be ourselves and not feel judged or rejected.

Mark and Debra Laaser lists "Safety" as one of the universal 7 desires of the human heart. What are you doing to help people in your life find safety?

Is your church a safe place where people can take off their masks and share their hurts, fears, struggles and failures? Too many churches are the exact opposite - people are expected to put on their "Sunday Morning Smile" and pretend they have it all together. Isn't that what the Pharisees did? Yet Jesus said He came for the sick not the "whole".

AA meetings and SA and NA meeting are designed to safe places for recovering addicts. They usually succeed at it better than most churches. How can we make our churches safe place where broken people can seek healing and wholeness in Christ? Maybe the call to worship might capture the spirit of "Hi, my name is Frank and I'm a sinner. I haven't sinned since Harold cut me off in the church parking lot and took my parking place!" Something to chew on!