Getting to the Other Side of Loss and Grief.

(This is a shortened version of a presentation I gave in a Sunday School class recently.)  Grief is not restricted to when we lose a loved one to death.  EVERY LOSS OF ANY KIND INVOLVES A GRIEF PROCESS OF SOME KIND – i.e. divorce, job loss, significant financial loss, moving, graduating, losing a friendship, finding out a respected person has been involved in major dishonesty, immorality or unethical behavior, etc.

WHAT IS THE MOST PAINFUL EXPERIENCE OF YOUR LIFE?  How was loss involved in this?  (i.e. What did you lose?)  How fully have you grieved this loss?

GRIEF IS PAINFUL AND MESSY.

                Many talk of “5 Stages of Grief” or“7 Stages of Grief” or“3 Stages of Grief”. 

                Reality – there are common emotions most of us feel during grief (sadness, fear, anger, anguish, loss, etc.) but EVERYONE GRIEVES DIFFERENTLY !  And it is likely that each time you grieve a loss your grief will be different.  And the process always hurts and it is always messy.

COMPLICATED OR COMPOUNDED GRIEF CAN BE EVEN MESSIER AND TAKE LONGER – I.E. Your husband leaves you for another man, you lose your job, your finances collapse and you have to live with the parents who abused you, and a beloved pet dies, and the next day your teenage son is arrested.  HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH THAT?

IF THE LOSS IS SIGNIFICANT IT IS COMMON TO START WITH SHOCK AND DENIAL.  “This can’t be real!”  “This isn’t happening!”  “No, that’s not true!”

Pain, sadness, anguish are common emotions.  

DEEP GRIEF DISRUPTS YOUR EMOTIONAL EQUILIBRIUM!  = Don’t make major life decisions soon after a major loss.  You are not at the top of your game!

ANGER is extremely common in loses such as divorce, job loss, losing a friendship, but also is common in loss due to death.  You may be angry at your loved one for dieing!  You may be angry at God for allowing the tragedy that has struck you.

THE ONLY WAY THROUGH IT IS THROUGH IT! A man once told me that day after wife died he went on a 2 year binge!  When he finally sobered up all the pain and loss were still there!  Unfortunately, we have to feel the pain to get past the pain.  You can stuff it or run from it, but sooner or later in some form it will catch up with you.

HOW DO WE GO THROUGH IT?

                Give yourself permission to feel all you feel – even if it is numbness – that will pass!

                Choose to lean on Christ in the midst of storms that don’t make a lick of sense.  Think of Matt Redman's song "Blessed be Your Name", "You give and take away, You give and take away.  My heart will CHOOSE to say, blessed be Your Name!"

                Find safe people to tell your story to – probably over and over!  A huge part of the healing for most people comes in telling the story repeatedly.

                When you are ready, work at applying your faith and theology to your circumstance – don’t rush it, don’t let others give you pat answers.  – “She’s in a better place Pastor” = urge to maime!  True but not helpful at the moment!  Now that truth is very helpful. (See part two to be posted soon.)

                At some point down the road you have to choose to let go of the pain, the hurt, perhaps the anger.  We need to be forgiving even when our offender is unrepentant and undeserving of forgiveness.  We are the one set free when we forgive.

WITH DEEP LOSSES WE DON’T GET OVER THEM WE GET THROUGH THEM BY THE GRACE OF GOD!    Perhaps it is even better to say we learn to live with the loss.  Eventually we are able to do so with somewhat less pain if we honestly deal with it.

                Getting to the other side of loss and grief will always involve accepting a new normal!  Life is never the same after a life shattering experience.  WE are never the same.  We can be bitter or we can be better.

Lament for a Father I Hardly Knew

A few months ago, Nov. 29 of last year, my father drank some Jack Daniels, put a gun to his head and ended his life.  A complex and somewhat colorful life ended.  My hopes for a better relationship with my father died as well.

Frank Junior Busbey was born August 7, 1926.  His family was from Missouri but came to reside in Joliet, Illinois.  Dad was the oldest child in his family.  He had 5 brothers and one sister.

I have pictures of me and Dad when I was probably around 2 years old.  He and Mom had divorced around that time.  I believe I was 5 or 6 years old the Christmas Dad sent me a cowboy outfit as a present (one of two presents he gave me during my childhood).  I thought it was coolest thing and still have a picture somewhere of my young self showing out in that outfit. But the first time I remember meeting him I was 8 years old.  Dad was in the Air Force and he never visited.  One of his uncles committed suicide when I was 8 and Dad came to town for the funeral.  He spent a few hours with my sister, Dianne, and me.  He took us up in a small airplane!  That was quite a day for an 8 year old boy – meeting your father and going up in an airplane for the first time.

The next time I saw Dad I was 11 years old.  He had just married his third wife, Lee, and came through town on his way from Alaska to Florida.  For a week I slept in his camper with his new family.  We went fishing, glued model planes together and hung out.  My Step-mother was nice.  Her 10 year old daughter was bratty, but probably no brattier than I was!  Dad told me he wanted to take me with him on a trip through Virginia to meet his new wife’s family.  Dianne and I didn’t think my Mom would go along with that, but Dad told me, “Never say never, son.” The week ended with my Mom having a very heated exchange with Dad.  I didn’t know that Dad was asking Mom to give him custody of me.  She was a furious Momma-bear and my Step-dad was right behind her ready to step in.  Dad left.  There were postcards and letters for awhile.  They stopped.  I didn’t see him again until my first wedding when I was 19.

In my twenties I probably saw Dad 4 or 5 times.  He and Lee came to visit my family and me a couple of times.  In 1981 we flew to Homestead, Florida and spend several days with him and Lee.  Phone calls were once or twice a year for awhile, less often after that.  When I was 31 or 32 Dad got married for the 4^th time.  His bride to be was a much younger woman from South America who spoke little English.  Dad spoke very little Spanish.  Dad asked me to perform the wedding.  His multiple marriages created a problem for me.  The greater problem was I knew it would devastate my mother if I did that.  Dad was offended by my refusal, and we lost contact for a while.  At some point one of us reached out to the other.  But whatever relationship we had was never the same again. 

For the last 30 years of his life I saw my father 3 or 4 times.  For most of my adult life, and all of the past 10 years or so, what little contact we had was initiated by me.  We were always warm and friendly to each other when we talked.  But as I saw his continued failure to reach out to me, I reached a point where I had little desire to even try.

Dad was married to his 5^th wife, Jo, 25 years.  In our few phone talks he told me her health was declining for the past several years.  

Dad did attend my first wedding in 1971.  When my first wife, Karen, died in 2002 Dad flew up for the funeral.  When my sister, his daughter, Diane died in 2005 died came to her funeral.  That was the last time I saw my father alive.  

In June of 2010 I accepted a job in Brunswick, Georgia and was only 3 hours from where Dad and Jo were living in High Springs, Florida.  Several months ago I called Dad and offered to come down to visit him.  He seemed cold and indifferent to the idea.  He indicated he could squeeze me in while he did his chores.  I chose not to bother him.

Jo died this past November 15.  Dad had told me of her illness, but did not tell me of her death.  I called him November 27 to check on Jo and him.  He told me of her death and his intense grief.  I felt I could somewhat understand that grief.  I tried to offer sympathy and offered to come down and check on him.  I intended to be there for him, to offer support and see what relationship we could build from this point.  He seemed to warm up to that idea and talked of introducing me to his friends.  Dad also told me of being so grief stricken 8 days before that that he had taken a pistol and held it to his head before deciding to continue living.  I asked if he was still having thoughts like that.  He assured me he did not and talked of plans to move ahead in life.  He seemed to be no danger to himself at that moment.  Two days later he allowed the darkness to swallow him. Since his death there have been accusations that he was murdered and things were staged to make it look like suicide.  But the official findings lists the cause of death as suicide.  All of this complicates the family's grief.

My father was a complex man.  Bluntly, I knew him to be self-centered and selfish.  My Mother always told me my father was a bad man.  Things I have heard since his death lead me to fear he was an evil man.  yet, even if that is true, there was good mixed in with all the rest. At my sister’s funeral just moments before I was start the service he told me that when he died he would stand before God and tell Him, “I did it my way.”  I do not know what my father said to the Ruler of the universe when he stood before Him, if anything.  But I am quite certain it was not that phrase. 

I performed Dad’s funeral.  It was tough, but God was truly gracious.  I did not preach him into heaven nor hell.  I simply stated that his eternal destiny is in the hands of the just and merciful Judge of all.

I have come to realize that in the providence of God it is likely I am far better off that my father had such a small role in my life.  But a man grieves the loss both of a distant relationship and of the small hope I had at the end for more.  Somewhere inside of me a little boy grieves the loss of the father he never had.

My Life Changed in a Moment - a personal note on grief and loss

My life changed in a moment. There was no going back and I didn’t know what going forward would mean.

10 years ago October 27 started as a lazy Saturday morning. My wife, Karen, and I had each been under the weather, she more so than me. The day before she underwent a CT scan and we hoped to find out Monday what had been causing the pain in her side. A little after 9 a.m. the phone rang. Karen’s doctor’s office wanted both of us to come in that morning. With few words exchanged we got in the car and drove the 15 minutes into Delaware, Ohio knowing it was cancer. Fearing it would mean years of surgery, chemo and uncertainty. It was far worse than that. Fourth stage, inoperable pancreatic cancer….. prognosis – 6 to 12 months to live. It seemed painfully unreal as we fell into each other’s arms and wept. We were shell shocked most of that day as we each tried to process it and make plans for telling people. That night we gave up trying to sleep around 2 a.m.

The next afternoon, around 30 hours after being told she was going to die I heard Karen tell her youngest sister, Carolyn, “I have no regrets. I’m content. I’ve had a good life. The Lord allowed me to raise my children and no man could have loved me more than that man across the room!” 47 years old, facing nearly certain death, and she was content!

For the next 5 months and 3 weeks I witnessed Karen living out that testimony. Even as her health declined she never once complained. She allowed the grace of God to carry her through sickness and death in faith and Spirit-filled dignity. April 20, 2002 around 2:45 a.m. her battle with cancer came to an end and she slipped into the arms of our Lord surrounded by her children, their spouses, her sisters, mother and me.

We were painfully left without her. After a time of weeping, we joined hands in a circle of love and I led us in a prayer of thanksgiving for Karen’s life.

Ten years. I have gone through a lot of pain in those years. By God’s grace I’ve also experienced some healing and growth. I’ve wept, wailed and shook my puny fists at God. Even then He held my hand! I’ve had to wipe tears as I write this today. I’ve been blessed with another wonderful, Christ loving wife, Diane. Yet I still miss Karen and look forward to the day we walk together again.

In the midst of all of the pain and loss I see God’s amazing grace at work. The awesome grace He gave Karen to face her illness and death with contentment. The persistent grace He has showered on me through my grief and unwillingness to let go.

There are people deeply impacted by all of this I’ve said little about; my sons, sisters-in-law, and mother-in-law. Their love and patience has meant so much to me. But they each have their loss and pain. I honor that and know that is their story for them to tell as they choose.

Today I remember, I grieve, I hope in the resurrection of Jesus Christ.