My life changed in a moment. There was no going back and I didn’t know what going forward would mean.
10 years ago October 27 started as a lazy Saturday morning. My wife, Karen, and I had each been under the weather, she more so than me. The day before she underwent a CT scan and we hoped to find out Monday what had been causing the pain in her side. A little after 9 a.m. the phone rang. Karen’s doctor’s office wanted both of us to come in that morning. With few words exchanged we got in the car and drove the 15 minutes into Delaware, Ohio knowing it was cancer. Fearing it would mean years of surgery, chemo and uncertainty. It was far worse than that. Fourth stage, inoperable pancreatic cancer….. prognosis – 6 to 12 months to live. It seemed painfully unreal as we fell into each other’s arms and wept. We were shell shocked most of that day as we each tried to process it and make plans for telling people. That night we gave up trying to sleep around 2 a.m.
The next afternoon, around 30 hours after being told she was going to die I heard Karen tell her youngest sister, Carolyn, “I have no regrets. I’m content. I’ve had a good life. The Lord allowed me to raise my children and no man could have loved me more than that man across the room!” 47 years old, facing nearly certain death, and she was content!
For the next 5 months and 3 weeks I witnessed Karen living out that testimony. Even as her health declined she never once complained. She allowed the grace of God to carry her through sickness and death in faith and Spirit-filled dignity. April 20, 2002 around 2:45 a.m. her battle with cancer came to an end and she slipped into the arms of our Lord surrounded by her children, their spouses, her sisters, mother and me.
We were painfully left without her. After a time of weeping, we joined hands in a circle of love and I led us in a prayer of thanksgiving for Karen’s life.
Ten years. I have gone through a lot of pain in those years. By God’s grace I’ve also experienced some healing and growth. I’ve wept, wailed and shook my puny fists at God. Even then He held my hand! I’ve had to wipe tears as I write this today. I’ve been blessed with another wonderful, Christ loving wife, Diane. Yet I still miss Karen and look forward to the day we walk together again.
In the midst of all of the pain and loss I see God’s amazing grace at work. The awesome grace He gave Karen to face her illness and death with contentment. The persistent grace He has showered on me through my grief and unwillingness to let go.
There are people deeply impacted by all of this I’ve said little about; my sons, sisters-in-law, and mother-in-law. Their love and patience has meant so much to me. But they each have their loss and pain. I honor that and know that is their story for them to tell as they choose.Today I remember, I grieve, I hope in the resurrection of Jesus Christ.
Much love, Dad. Well said.
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