Conflict Zone or Safe haven part three

More on the 6 Key Building Blocks of a Safe Haven Marriage:

Chosen and Committed – we need to know that out of all the people in the world our spouse chose us….. and hopefully would do so again! It is crucial that we have confidence our spouse is committed to us and our marriage. How are you doing in giving your spouse those messages that they are chosen by you and you are committed to them?

Trust – definitely trust that our partner will be sexually faithful, but much more. Trust they will be emotionally faithful. Trust they have our back and are committed to our best interest.

Available and Attuned – Does your spouse know they are the #1 priority in your life after God? Do they know you will be there for them? When you are physically present are you there emotionally? Do you “get” them? Intimacy is more than physical nudity. It is knowing and being known at a deep level. Are you growing there with your partner?

Responsive – We need a partner who cares enough to show compassion and even enough to try to change when we need that! “I hear you, I care, I will do whatever I can for you” is the message we need to give and need to hear back!

Repair – No matter how hard we try, we are human, finite, fallen and we will fail. What do you do when you fail in your marriage? Take for granted your partner understands? Not even think about it? Try to hide it or defensively excuse it? Or woman up, or man up and take responsibility and try to make it right? Effective repair is a crucial skill for a marriage that makes it in the long run.

Becoming (self reflect, influenceable, willing to grow/change/mature) – If you have married 5 years or more you are Not married to the same person you said “I do” to! Whether we mature or revert, we change over time. Are you changing together or separately? Are you changing in similar directions? Are you receptive to influence from your spouse? Gottman’s research showed that it is extremely important that a husband be open to influence from his wife. This was true in a large percentage of healthy marriages and missing in most distressed marriages. The healthiest marriages are those in which husband and wife are growing in similar directions emotionally, spiritually and intellectually. This requires intentionally sharing some growth experiences and constant work at good communication.

Conflict Zone or Safe Haven part two

Theology of Marriage – part 2

Genesis 2:18-25

Vs 23 - 25, (ESV) ²³Then the man said, "This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man."

²⁴ Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. ²⁵And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

Marriage is Divinely intended to meet man and woman’s deepest earthly need for intimacy. I believe we are created to yearn for the kind of oneness and acceptance Adam and Eve enjoyed in the garden. We earnestly desire to truly be one flesh with a partner we can be also be naked and not ashamed with.

“One flesh” includes the sexual act, but also much more. “Naked and not ashamed” – also much more than just lacking clothing without embarrassment. They Include emotional and spiritual openness and full disclosure of our heart.

Remember, these two, Adam and Eve, were innocent humans free from any taint or impairment of sin. No brokenness to deal with – no taint of inner sin, no influence of sinful society, no baggage of imperfect parenting. Few if any marriages will perfectly reach this level of intimacy. And yet this is what we yearn for.

Safe Haven Marriage

Dr. Archibald Hart and his daughter Dr. Sharon May developed the concept of “Safe Haven Marriage” out of Emotion Focused Therapy. I believe this gels with the theology we’ve considered.

Premise – We long for a caring, connected relationship in which you are each heard, understood, valued and a source of love and comfort for each other. We are created to yearn for a relationship as close to Genesis 2 as we can get!

6 Key Building Blocks of a Safe Haven Marriage:

Chosen and Committed

Trust

Available and Attuned

Responsive

Repair

Becoming (self reflect, influenceable, willing to grow/change/mature)

Conflict Zone or Safe Haven part 0ne

Conflict will happen! It is unavoidable – remember our theology – we are ALL born with a sin nature (Psalm 51), been raised by fallen, imperfect people in a society that is in rebellion against God (Ephesians 2). So marriage = 2 fallen sinners bringing all their selfishness and baggage into the relationship. How can any who knows these truths expect marriage to be easy?

“If I find the right person marriage will be easy and we won’t have to work so hard at it.” Many think that way, but it is a lie from the pit of hell! Because of the universality of sin even the best marriages will take a lot of hard work. Write it down, in every marriage conflict is going to happen.

John Gottman’s research

(30 years of research with over 1,000 couples studied.) 69% of couple arguments (in good and bad relationships) are about perpetual problems. The difference? Distressed couples get gridlocked on the perpetual issues but Happy couples develop a “dialogue with perpetual problems.” Gridlock happens when one or both partners takes a "my way or the highway" stance on perpetual problems. This is a recipe for failure!

Dialogue with perpetual problems

We need to learn to resolve the resolvable, and communicate about the unresolvable! Resolution of perpetual problems is not what matters! What matters?

1. The affect, the emotion felt and shown. Even anger is acceptable, but contempt and rejection are not.

2. The ability to exchange viewpoints. We need to be able to clearly tell our spouse what we think and what we want. We also need to be able to hear what they think and want with respect. You need to be able to give your spouse the message, “I like you and accept you, but will you please do everything you can to change in this area – but I am committed to you even if you are not able to change.”

3. Continued dialogue. The issue is not avoided, gridlock and contempt are avoided. Nagging is replaced by honest, compassionate discussion. “I see the effort you are making to be aware of my needs, is there a way I can help?” instead of “You are hopeless and insensitive and never think of anyone but yourself!”

Two “Staples” of Marriages that Work

1. 1. An overall level of positive affect. In plain English, more positive feelings than negative ones.

2. 2. An ability to reduce negative affect during conflict resolution. Both the ability to sooth yourself and to sooth your partner. Can you often calm yourself down when you start to get angry? Can you effectively help your partner calm down?

How to End Marital Combat Or – How I Dropped My Sword and Shield and Learned to Love my Spouse

Nearly always marital conflict comes to involve childish behavior and condescending communication. A marital fight often resembles a middle school screaming match more than an adult discussion. The challenge is to own up to your own misbehavior and not get fixed on what you see as your spouse’s childishness. If they are acting childish it is very unlikely they will receive it well from you! Digging in your heels to try to force them to admit THEIR mistakes is likely to escalate the conflict not defuse it.

AVOID CROSS COMMUNICATION: Often one or both partners try to talk adult to child. “If you were responsible with our money, we wouldn’t be in this situation!” The result is you come across condescending and trigger more anger. Either your spouse gets hooked and reacts like a rebellious teenager, “You can’t tell me what to do!” Or, they try a reversal and talk down to you. It is not unusual for parts of a fight to involve child to child communication, “You NEVER listen to me” “You never respect me”.

SPEAK ADULT TO ADULT: The trick is to choose to genuinely speak to your mate adult to adult. This means no put downs, no sarcasm, no tricks and no games. We need to aim to treat our spouse (and other family members) with the same degree of respect and courtesy that we usually give to co-workers and common strangers! Sadly, we usually reserve our worst behavior for those closest to us. Relaxing and letting our hair down is one thing. Being mean and disrespectful is something else entirely.

DROP YOUR SWORD AND SHIELD! In the midst of a marital fight our body is reacting similarly as though we were confronted by an angry bear or were in the middle of combat. Brain scans show we use different parts of brains during anger or fear than we do when we are calm. These parts of the brain are not equipped for good reasoning, accurate memory, or fair assessments.

Part of “dropping your sword and shield” is adopting a team mentality. Your spouse is not your enemy. They are your team mate in life. The enemy is the misunderstanding or situation that causes marital stress. You and your spouse are on the same team. If one of you loses, the team loses. The team concept means you have to aim for win-win solutions.

Dropping your sword and shield will mean agreeing that either of you can call a time out at any time. Once either person has shifted into “flight or fight” mode constructive communication is pretty much impossible. A time out is needed. It’s o.k. to call a time out. It’s not o.k. to say “YOU need a time out!” (See “Avoid Cross Communication” above.) Either partner needs the right to call a time out at any time. Rather than anger, the problem may be exhaustion, a genuine lack of time due to unchangeable scheduling, emotionally not being ready. BUT WHOEVER CALLS A TIME OUT MUST TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR SUGGESTING A TIME TO RESUME THE CONVERSATION. A Time Out is not an excuse to stuff, bury or avoid.

Dropping your sword and shield means no name calling, no passive aggressive digs, no accusing, no eye rolling, and no sarcasm.

For more on communication in marriage see the two part “Do You Hear What I Hear” in my March 2010 blogs.