Conflict Zone or Safe Haven part four

Whence Cometh Conflict?

We yearn for deep connection with our chosen partner. We also have a finely tuned alarm system: When we feel something is threatening our sense of connection we will react fiercely in an attempt to regain it. Very often these instinctive reactions are counterproductive and drive our loved one farther away.

A key is learning your and your spouse’s sensitive places, “Dragons” – they will roar when stepped on! (The “roaring” is often a harsh attempt to protect a soft, sensitive place in the heart!) What words, actions, facial expressions, tones of voice hook you or your spouse so that in some way you feel your sense of connection is at risk?

If we can understand our spouse’s angry reactions as coming from a desire to be connected with us, it can be a game changer! It is not entirely selfishness, immaturity, perfectionism, stubbornness etc. that drives our spouse’s outburst. It is often largely the fact that in some way they feel your connection as a couple is threatened by what they perceive from your words or actions.

What are the “Dragons” in your marriage? The soft, sensitive places in your heart and your spouse’s heart that cause you to roar when they get stepped on. The goal is to avoid your spouse’s Dragons when you can and to learn to do good repair after a Dragon is triggered.

Turning Toward Each Other (Repair)

In conflict we often temporarily lose our sense of “we”, our realization we are a team. Often we slip into seeing our spouse as our enemy, as the problem. In order to make our marriage work we must CHOOSE to shift back to “We are a Team!” The issue is the problem (your spouse is NOT the problem). The team needs to get together to focus on the real problem. The team cannot win if either partner loses. For the team to win you have to work to find a win-win solution. This may involve giving up some things you value. But you have to be able to truly own the outcome as an over all gain because of the result for the marital team.

Also lost, temporarily, in conflict is that precious sense of connection. Reconnecting is an essential element of good repair. How do you reestablish that “we” feeling? What works for you? Genuinely playful teasing? (Caution here!) Making love? Going out for a walk, a burger, a movie? Working on a project together? Or……. (individualize it for you and your spouse.)

Warning!

Repair is hazardous and fragile! It is easy to slip back into the Conflict Zone! We cannot rush from conflict into repair. Everyone has different “thermostats” and “timers” on their anger. Some of this is NOT character defect, it is in-born hard wiring biologically.

Beware of the Amygdala Hijacking , this is a shift into “Fight or flight” response. Physiologically your brain shifts from using the prefrontal cortex to the Amygdala (a walnut sized part of the brain designed for quick, life saving decisions). The amygdala is great for assessing in a split second the growling sound behind you in the woods may be a bear and it’s time to get out of Dodge! It is not so good for maintaining relationships. When we are thinking with our amygdala we have poor reasoning, poor judgment, and poor memory.

Basically, something sends a “DANGER!!!!” message to your brain. You stop sending information to the prefrontal cortex and begin sending it to the amygdala. Your limbic system sends a message to your body, “pump the adrenalin, get the heart beating faster, get the lungs breathing fast and shallow, crank up the anger and/or fear, get ready to roll!”

IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO DO REPAIR WHILE EVEN ONE SPOUSE IS STILL HIJACKED.

You may shift out of an amygdala hijacking easier than your spouse. Again, much of this is biology rather than character. True sanctification can help – but avoid self righteousness and judgmentalism toward your spouse. These are evidences of carnality not sanctification!

Sometimes a time out is needed. Allow as much time as necessary. Not, “YOU need a time out” (throws you back in the Conflict Zone). “Honey, I think we need some time to let this settle. Can we pick this up in an hour or two?” Whoever calls a time out takes responsibility to suggest time to resume.

Repair

The aim of repair is NOT to figure out who was right and who was wrong. Following a mutual amygdala hijacking you both have very faulty memories of what happened. Video tapes of arguments have proved this over and over. You need to be humble and gentle. Your memory of what just happened is not 100% accurate. Moving forward in your marriage is more important than proving your point.

The aim is understand what soft emotions were stepped on that resulted in anger coming out. The aim is to mutually sooth each other. Reconnecting two wounded hearts is the real agenda at this point.

When hearts and head are cooler you need to resolve the resolvable and commit to dialogue in love about the unresolvable.

Conflict Zone or Safe haven part three

More on the 6 Key Building Blocks of a Safe Haven Marriage:

Chosen and Committed – we need to know that out of all the people in the world our spouse chose us….. and hopefully would do so again! It is crucial that we have confidence our spouse is committed to us and our marriage. How are you doing in giving your spouse those messages that they are chosen by you and you are committed to them?

Trust – definitely trust that our partner will be sexually faithful, but much more. Trust they will be emotionally faithful. Trust they have our back and are committed to our best interest.

Available and Attuned – Does your spouse know they are the #1 priority in your life after God? Do they know you will be there for them? When you are physically present are you there emotionally? Do you “get” them? Intimacy is more than physical nudity. It is knowing and being known at a deep level. Are you growing there with your partner?

Responsive – We need a partner who cares enough to show compassion and even enough to try to change when we need that! “I hear you, I care, I will do whatever I can for you” is the message we need to give and need to hear back!

Repair – No matter how hard we try, we are human, finite, fallen and we will fail. What do you do when you fail in your marriage? Take for granted your partner understands? Not even think about it? Try to hide it or defensively excuse it? Or woman up, or man up and take responsibility and try to make it right? Effective repair is a crucial skill for a marriage that makes it in the long run.

Becoming (self reflect, influenceable, willing to grow/change/mature) – If you have married 5 years or more you are Not married to the same person you said “I do” to! Whether we mature or revert, we change over time. Are you changing together or separately? Are you changing in similar directions? Are you receptive to influence from your spouse? Gottman’s research showed that it is extremely important that a husband be open to influence from his wife. This was true in a large percentage of healthy marriages and missing in most distressed marriages. The healthiest marriages are those in which husband and wife are growing in similar directions emotionally, spiritually and intellectually. This requires intentionally sharing some growth experiences and constant work at good communication.

Conflict Zone or Safe Haven part two

Theology of Marriage – part 2

Genesis 2:18-25

Vs 23 - 25, (ESV) ²³Then the man said, "This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man."

²⁴ Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. ²⁵And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

Marriage is Divinely intended to meet man and woman’s deepest earthly need for intimacy. I believe we are created to yearn for the kind of oneness and acceptance Adam and Eve enjoyed in the garden. We earnestly desire to truly be one flesh with a partner we can be also be naked and not ashamed with.

“One flesh” includes the sexual act, but also much more. “Naked and not ashamed” – also much more than just lacking clothing without embarrassment. They Include emotional and spiritual openness and full disclosure of our heart.

Remember, these two, Adam and Eve, were innocent humans free from any taint or impairment of sin. No brokenness to deal with – no taint of inner sin, no influence of sinful society, no baggage of imperfect parenting. Few if any marriages will perfectly reach this level of intimacy. And yet this is what we yearn for.

Safe Haven Marriage

Dr. Archibald Hart and his daughter Dr. Sharon May developed the concept of “Safe Haven Marriage” out of Emotion Focused Therapy. I believe this gels with the theology we’ve considered.

Premise – We long for a caring, connected relationship in which you are each heard, understood, valued and a source of love and comfort for each other. We are created to yearn for a relationship as close to Genesis 2 as we can get!

6 Key Building Blocks of a Safe Haven Marriage:

Chosen and Committed

Trust

Available and Attuned

Responsive

Repair

Becoming (self reflect, influenceable, willing to grow/change/mature)

Conflict Zone or Safe Haven part 0ne

Conflict will happen! It is unavoidable – remember our theology – we are ALL born with a sin nature (Psalm 51), been raised by fallen, imperfect people in a society that is in rebellion against God (Ephesians 2). So marriage = 2 fallen sinners bringing all their selfishness and baggage into the relationship. How can any who knows these truths expect marriage to be easy?

“If I find the right person marriage will be easy and we won’t have to work so hard at it.” Many think that way, but it is a lie from the pit of hell! Because of the universality of sin even the best marriages will take a lot of hard work. Write it down, in every marriage conflict is going to happen.

John Gottman’s research

(30 years of research with over 1,000 couples studied.) 69% of couple arguments (in good and bad relationships) are about perpetual problems. The difference? Distressed couples get gridlocked on the perpetual issues but Happy couples develop a “dialogue with perpetual problems.” Gridlock happens when one or both partners takes a "my way or the highway" stance on perpetual problems. This is a recipe for failure!

Dialogue with perpetual problems

We need to learn to resolve the resolvable, and communicate about the unresolvable! Resolution of perpetual problems is not what matters! What matters?

1. The affect, the emotion felt and shown. Even anger is acceptable, but contempt and rejection are not.

2. The ability to exchange viewpoints. We need to be able to clearly tell our spouse what we think and what we want. We also need to be able to hear what they think and want with respect. You need to be able to give your spouse the message, “I like you and accept you, but will you please do everything you can to change in this area – but I am committed to you even if you are not able to change.”

3. Continued dialogue. The issue is not avoided, gridlock and contempt are avoided. Nagging is replaced by honest, compassionate discussion. “I see the effort you are making to be aware of my needs, is there a way I can help?” instead of “You are hopeless and insensitive and never think of anyone but yourself!”

Two “Staples” of Marriages that Work

1. 1. An overall level of positive affect. In plain English, more positive feelings than negative ones.

2. 2. An ability to reduce negative affect during conflict resolution. Both the ability to sooth yourself and to sooth your partner. Can you often calm yourself down when you start to get angry? Can you effectively help your partner calm down?