Conflict will happen! It is unavoidable – remember our theology – we are ALL born with a sin nature (Psalm 51), been raised by fallen, imperfect people in a society that is in rebellion against God (Ephesians 2). So marriage = 2 fallen sinners bringing all their selfishness and baggage into the relationship. How can any who knows these truths expect marriage to be easy?
“If I find the right person marriage will be easy and we won’t have to work so hard at it.” Many think that way, but it is a lie from the pit of hell! Because of the universality of sin even the best marriages will take a lot of hard work. Write it down, in every marriage conflict is going to happen.
John Gottman’s research
(30 years of research with over 1,000 couples studied.) 69% of couple arguments (in good and bad relationships) are about perpetual problems. The difference? Distressed couples get gridlocked on the perpetual issues but Happy couples develop a “dialogue with perpetual problems.” Gridlock happens when one or both partners takes a "my way or the highway" stance on perpetual problems. This is a recipe for failure!
Dialogue with perpetual problems
We need to learn to resolve the resolvable, and communicate about the unresolvable! Resolution of perpetual problems is not what matters! What matters?
1. The affect, the emotion felt and shown. Even anger is acceptable, but contempt and rejection are not.
2. The ability to exchange viewpoints. We need to be able to clearly tell our spouse what we think and what we want. We also need to be able to hear what they think and want with respect. You need to be able to give your spouse the message, “I like you and accept you, but will you please do everything you can to change in this area – but I am committed to you even if you are not able to change.”
3. Continued dialogue. The issue is not avoided, gridlock and contempt are avoided. Nagging is replaced by honest, compassionate discussion. “I see the effort you are making to be aware of my needs, is there a way I can help?” instead of “You are hopeless and insensitive and never think of anyone but yourself!”
Two “Staples” of Marriages that Work
1. 1. An overall level of positive affect. In plain English, more positive feelings than negative ones.
2. 2. An ability to reduce negative affect during conflict resolution. Both the ability to sooth yourself and to sooth your partner. Can you often calm yourself down when you start to get angry? Can you effectively help your partner calm down?
No comments:
Post a Comment