Whence Cometh Conflict?
We yearn for deep connection with our chosen partner. We also have a finely tuned alarm system: When we feel something is threatening our sense of connection we will react fiercely in an attempt to regain it. Very often these instinctive reactions are counterproductive and drive our loved one farther away.
A key is learning your and your spouse’s sensitive places, “Dragons” – they will roar when stepped on! (The “roaring” is often a harsh attempt to protect a soft, sensitive place in the heart!) What words, actions, facial expressions, tones of voice hook you or your spouse so that in some way you feel your sense of connection is at risk?
If we can understand our spouse’s angry reactions as coming from a desire to be connected with us, it can be a game changer! It is not entirely selfishness, immaturity, perfectionism, stubbornness etc. that drives our spouse’s outburst. It is often largely the fact that in some way they feel your connection as a couple is threatened by what they perceive from your words or actions.
What are the “Dragons” in your marriage? The soft, sensitive places in your heart and your spouse’s heart that cause you to roar when they get stepped on. The goal is to avoid your spouse’s Dragons when you can and to learn to do good repair after a Dragon is triggered.
Turning Toward Each Other (Repair)
In conflict we often temporarily lose our sense of “we”, our realization we are a team. Often we slip into seeing our spouse as our enemy, as the problem. In order to make our marriage work we must CHOOSE to shift back to “We are a Team!” The issue is the problem (your spouse is NOT the problem). The team needs to get together to focus on the real problem. The team cannot win if either partner loses. For the team to win you have to work to find a win-win solution. This may involve giving up some things you value. But you have to be able to truly own the outcome as an over all gain because of the result for the marital team.
Also lost, temporarily, in conflict is that precious sense of connection. Reconnecting is an essential element of good repair. How do you reestablish that “we” feeling? What works for you? Genuinely playful teasing? (Caution here!) Making love? Going out for a walk, a burger, a movie? Working on a project together? Or……. (individualize it for you and your spouse.)
Warning!
Repair is hazardous and fragile! It is easy to slip back into the Conflict Zone! We cannot rush from conflict into repair. Everyone has different “thermostats” and “timers” on their anger. Some of this is NOT character defect, it is in-born hard wiring biologically.
Beware of the Amygdala Hijacking , this is a shift into “Fight or flight” response. Physiologically your brain shifts from using the prefrontal cortex to the Amygdala (a walnut sized part of the brain designed for quick, life saving decisions). The amygdala is great for assessing in a split second the growling sound behind you in the woods may be a bear and it’s time to get out of Dodge! It is not so good for maintaining relationships. When we are thinking with our amygdala we have poor reasoning, poor judgment, and poor memory.
Basically, something sends a “DANGER!!!!” message to your brain. You stop sending information to the prefrontal cortex and begin sending it to the amygdala. Your limbic system sends a message to your body, “pump the adrenalin, get the heart beating faster, get the lungs breathing fast and shallow, crank up the anger and/or fear, get ready to roll!”
IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO DO REPAIR WHILE EVEN ONE SPOUSE IS STILL HIJACKED.
You may shift out of an amygdala hijacking easier than your spouse. Again, much of this is biology rather than character. True sanctification can help – but avoid self righteousness and judgmentalism toward your spouse. These are evidences of carnality not sanctification!
Sometimes a time out is needed. Allow as much time as necessary. Not, “YOU need a time out” (throws you back in the Conflict Zone). “Honey, I think we need some time to let this settle. Can we pick this up in an hour or two?” Whoever calls a time out takes responsibility to suggest time to resume.
Repair
The aim of repair is NOT to figure out who was right and who was wrong. Following a mutual amygdala hijacking you both have very faulty memories of what happened. Video tapes of arguments have proved this over and over. You need to be humble and gentle. Your memory of what just happened is not 100% accurate. Moving forward in your marriage is more important than proving your point.
The aim is understand what soft emotions were stepped on that resulted in anger coming out. The aim is to mutually sooth each other. Reconnecting two wounded hearts is the real agenda at this point.
When hearts and head are cooler you need to resolve the resolvable and commit to dialogue in love about the unresolvable.
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