Grace Vs. Enabling

Grace v. Enabling
By Rev. Frank J. Busbey MAR, MA, LPC

“Grace is not a blue eyed blonde.” So goes the feeble Sunday School joke! Many of us have memorized the good theological definition, “Grace is God’s undeserved favor.” Another excellent definition is Grace = God’s Riches At Christ’s Expense. Even though we are undeserving sinners who have grievously sinned against Him, God outrageously paid our debt through the torture, humiliation, and unjust execution of God the Son – Jesus Christ! Now all who respond from the heart in faith to the Good News about Jesus are totally forgiven and freely given a place in God’s family including an unending home in heaven!

Having received that forgiveness and grace we should be morally moved to offer the same to those who mistreat us. This can be extremely hard. One of the many difficulties in doing this is being sure we offer grace but not enablement of bad behavior.

Grace gives room to grow, mature and heal. Grace does not give permission to continue in sin. Enabling allows sin and misbehavior to go unchallenged.

God’s grace is not a license for us to remain in sin. God’s grace allows us to have relationship with Him while we struggle and grow in the process of allowing the Holy Spirit to transform us. Romans 6:1, 2 says, “1 What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? 2 By no means! How can we who died to sin still live in it?” (ESV) So God offers a costly, free forgiveness and insists that we seek His help to be progressively overcoming both our sin nature and the sins we commit.

The grace we offer others needs to offer room to grow, mature and heal. It does not continually throw the past in the face of one who has repented and apologized. The grace we extend also needs to maintain healthy boundaries and accountability. The parent who pays for their adult child’s groceries because that child has repeatedly spent every cent they get on crack is enabling addiction, not offering grace. The wife who looks the other way while her husband carries on affair after affair or continues in pornography year after year is enabling bad behavior, not offering grace.

How can I tell if I am enabling? Ask yourself questions like the following: Am I doing something for my loved one they could do themselves and need to learn to do themselves? Am I helping them grow up or helping them stay childish? Am I helping them get free or helping them stay in bondage?

Misguided family concern and love can hook us into enabling. It is important to realize that our loved one needs to be pleasing to God more than they need anything else. Giving grace does not mean living without boundaries or accountability!

Warning, Silly Love Songs May be Dangerous to Your Marriage!

Should Silly Love Songs Have an Advisory Warning?

“Warning, this song contains misguided concepts that may be dangerous to your marriage and emotional and physical health.” Mmmmmm, would you buy a record with that label on it? My guess is most people would! Look how cigarettes sell with the warning they carry. But why am I being a humbug suggesting there is something wrong with love songs? Paul and Linda McCartney wrote, “You'd think that people Would have had enough Of silly love songs, I look around me and I see it isn't so, Some people wanna fill the world With silly love songs, And what's wrong with that?”

Let me concede there is a place for love songs – I am not seeking to start a “ban all love songs” movement. I want to make the serious point that our ideas about love need to be shaped by something other than popular songs and common sentiment. We marry because we allegedly love someone and we divorce because love has allegedly died. It seems extremely important to have a clear idea of what love really is.

In the Bible we read, “^4(A) Love is patient and^(B) kind; love^(C) does not envy or boast; it^(D) is not arrogant ⁵or rude. It^(E) does not insist on its own way; it^(F) is not irritable or resentful;^{[a] 6}it^(G) does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but^(H) rejoices with the truth. ^7(I) Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things,^(J) endures all things.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (English Standard Version). It seems to me the focus here is on action and attitude and only secondarily on feelings. Most silly love songs and popular sentiment focus on warm, “ooey, gooey” feelings. Hey, I LIKE those kinds of feelings! They feel good. They can really pull two people powerfully toward each other. But are they lasting, and are they love?

In many places in Scripture we are commanded to love. In John 13:34 Jesus said, “^34(BG) A new commandment^(BH) I give to you,^(BI) that you love one another:^(BJ) just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. ^35(BK) By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." And in Ephesians 5:25 we are told, “^25(AY) Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and^(AZ) gave himself up for her.” Can feelings be commanded? Can we turn feelings on and off? In a February 14, 2010 sermon Pastor Randy Pope of Perimeter Church said, “Love is a commitment based on the will of God, often undergirded by an emotion.” Commitments can be commanded. We can decide to make a commitment.

Feelings are a part of love. Romance needs to be a part of marital love. Feelings are, however, very fragile. They are influenced by biology, weather, dietary influences, lack of sleep etc. I would suggest that Pastor Pope has nailed what God is demanding from us in His command to love – a commitment based on the will of God, often undergirded by an emotion.

When a man and woman make their wedding vows they are making a commitment. They are entering a covenant relationship with each other. Romantic feeling will come and go in the best of relationships. This does NOT mean that love comes and goes! The commitment based on the will of God stands even when the feelings wane. When we choose to stand on that commitment in time the feelings will come back. The absence of the “ooey gooey” feelings does not mean love is dead and certainly does not mean a marriage should be ended.

Often when a couple comes into the counselor’s office with marital problems those feelings are gone for one person or for both. Can the counselor speak those feelings back into being? We wish we could. What we can do is help the couple realize ways in which they need to get back to the attitudes and actions of 1 Corinthians 13 (patience, kindness, unselfishness, humility etc.). We can help them improve communication skills, conflict resolution skills, and problem solving skills. If there is underlying commitment and goodwill we can help them see this and to understand the value of these things. A counselor can provide a relatively safe place for resentments, fears, and hurts to be discussed. Silly love songs don’t deal with things like these. Facing these things together can bring about the birth or restoration of a solid love relationship. That’s what this Soul Doctor thinks.

Levels of Forgiveness

Levels of Forgiveness

By Rev. Frank J. Busbey, M.A.R., M.A., LPC

Forgiveness is both simple and complex! Much of the complexity comes from the fact that there are different levels of forgiveness and we mistakenly think of it as simply one thing.

Level One – forgiving with our will (Volitional Forgiveness). At this level we consider the wrong that has been done to us and the person who has done the wrong and we choose to forgive. We have full and complete control over this level of forgiveness. I believe this is the forgiveness commanded in the Bible. We have control over it, we can choose to do it or choose not to do, and therefore we are responsible for the choice we make.

Level Two – emotional forgiveness. We can make the choice above and yet for a time still feel hurt, indignation, anger when we think about what was done to us or simply see the wrong doer. Does this mean we have not forgiven? Yes and no! If we have sincerely decided to forgive we have given volitional forgiveness – forgiveness with our will. We can often do this pretty quickly in many cases. But even once that decision is made, a wounded heart still takes time to heal. Emotional forgiveness can take months or even years in some cases.

Forgiving with our will and standing by it can help emotional forgiveness to take place. Repeatedly go back to the Lord in prayer and discussing with Him the fact you have chosen to forgive and asking over and over for healing grace to fully let go of the wound will promote that healing. On the other hand, if we choose to replay the wrong over and over and fume over the perceived mistreatment – we slow down any chance of reaching to point of healing and full forgiveness. There is a story about a father named Henry, with a prized Siamese cat and a stubborn teen age son. The son repeatedly refused to cut the grass until his father’s threatened to take away all electronics for a month if he did not cut the grass before sundown. The thought of doing without his I-phone, I-pod, laptop, TV etc for a month motivated the young man to put his headphones on and drag out and half heartedly cut the lawn. Not only were there Mohawks in the lawn, the son ran over and killed the prized Siamese cat. The father was grief stricken and furious. The father stormed out with a shovel, buried the cat in the garden, but left the tail sticking out of the ground. “Henry”, his wife said, “you didn’t bury the poor cat’s tail!” “I know”, said Henry, “every time I get upset with that boy I am going to pull that cat out of the ground and remind him what he did!” Are there cattails sticking up in the garden of your heart?

This stage can take time and work! It may take repeatedly taking the offense and your wounds back to the cross and going back to Level One, “Father, with your help I choose to forgive the person who wronged me.”

Level Three – volitional, emotional, spiritual forgiveness. This comes about when we have faithfully gone back to level one over and over when the hurt, anger etc. has raised its head in our hearts. For the believer, when we make it a matter of prayer the Holy Spirit empowers us and moves our spirit toward this point.

“Can I Forgive a Person who Does NOT Ask for Forgiveness?” This is not a simple question. I believe the answer is a bit of “yes” and a bit of “no”. On the one hand we need to have a forgiving spirit as soon in the process as possible. It is destructive, even crippling to allow the root of bitterness to grow in your heart. An unforgiving spirit is like a cancer. Hebrew 12:15 , ¹⁵ See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled; “ Heb 12:14-15 (ESV)

This question does lead to another level of forgiveness:

Level Four – Relational forgiveness. This level involves full, unrestricted restoration of the relationship. We have full ownership and responsibility for the first three levels of forgiveness. This level, however, is dependent on the actions of the other person. In Ephesians 4:32 the Apostle Paul writes, “³² Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”Eph 4:32 (ESV) How does God forgive us? Fully and completely AFTER we repent and seek forgiveness from Him. God does not give forgiveness until we ask for it! His heart is forgiving. He desires to forgive us. But He does not forgive until we come to Him in repentance. In the same way, we cannot give full relational forgiveness to someone who is unwilling to receive it. There are times in which it would unsafe (emotionally or physically) to restore relationship where there has not been profound repentance and transformation.

FOR INFORMATION ON MAKING AN APPOINTMENT OR REFERRING SOMEONE FOR HELP, PLEASE CHECK www.compassresources.net.

Soul Doctor??

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I am a Masters level psychotherapist and pastor. For those who know the lingo, I am a LPC – licensed professional counselor, licensed in the state of Georgia. I intentionally and openly blend psychology and the Christian faith. This is not imposed on my clients, but I expose this fact to them from the very beginning. If they don’t want “God talk”, I will do “straight” psychotherapy – but they will know my value system is formed by my understanding of the Bible. I hold a Masters in Professional Counseling and a Masters in Religion.

Most of my clients come seeking Christian counseling. What they find is my blend of pastoral psychotherapy. I believe humankind is created in the image and likeness of our Creator. Our earliest ancestors failed, sinned and brought brokenness and corruption into the world and into our hearts. We all bear fragmented parts of the image and likeness of God mingled with brokenness, “muck”, sin. I see this taught in Scripture and confirmed when I hear the news, listen to my friends or clients, or look honestly in my own heart.

What I do in the counseling room is a blend of cognitive behavioral therapy, family systems therapy, emotion focused therapy, and insight oriented therapy. For me, all this is put through the lens and grid of Holy Scripture. My clients find two big ears (and hopefully a heart) that listen to their heart. They find skill training in relationships and how to deal with real problems including anxiety, depression, failing marriages, sexual addiction, mid-life issues. When needed, we look at their past and try to find help to get past the baggage childhood may have brought them. And I am always sensitive to how their faith resources can assist in their healing.

How can I help you? Send an e-mail to revbuzz@juno.com and let me know. I’m one messed up sinner who tries to let God use him to help other messed up sinners. That is what I understand a Soul Doctor to be!