Should Silly Love Songs Have an Advisory Warning?
“Warning, this song contains misguided concepts that may be dangerous to your marriage and emotional and physical health.” Mmmmmm, would you buy a record with that label on it? My guess is most people would! Look how cigarettes sell with the warning they carry. But why am I being a humbug suggesting there is something wrong with love songs? Paul and Linda McCartney wrote, “You'd think that people Would have had enough Of silly love songs, I look around me and I see it isn't so, Some people wanna fill the world With silly love songs, And what's wrong with that?”
Let me concede there is a place for love songs – I am not seeking to start a “ban all love songs” movement. I want to make the serious point that our ideas about love need to be shaped by something other than popular songs and common sentiment. We marry because we allegedly love someone and we divorce because love has allegedly died. It seems extremely important to have a clear idea of what love really is.
In the Bible we read, “4(A) Love is patient and(B) kind; love(C) does not envy or boast; it(D) is not arrogant 5or rude. It(E) does not insist on its own way; it(F) is not irritable or resentful;[a] 6it(G) does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but(H) rejoices with the truth. 7(I) Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things,(J) endures all things.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (English Standard Version). It seems to me the focus here is on action and attitude and only secondarily on feelings. Most silly love songs and popular sentiment focus on warm, “ooey, gooey” feelings. Hey, I LIKE those kinds of feelings! They feel good. They can really pull two people powerfully toward each other. But are they lasting, and are they love?
In many places in Scripture we are commanded to love. In John 13:34 Jesus said, “34(BG) A new commandment(BH) I give to you,(BI) that you love one another:(BJ) just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. 35(BK) By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." And in Ephesians 5:25 we are told, “25(AY) Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and(AZ) gave himself up for her.” Can feelings be commanded? Can we turn feelings on and off? In a February 14, 2010 sermon Pastor Randy Pope of Perimeter Church said, “Love is a commitment based on the will of God, often undergirded by an emotion.” Commitments can be commanded. We can decide to make a commitment.
Feelings are a part of love. Romance needs to be a part of marital love. Feelings are, however, very fragile. They are influenced by biology, weather, dietary influences, lack of sleep etc. I would suggest that Pastor Pope has nailed what God is demanding from us in His command to love – a commitment based on the will of God, often undergirded by an emotion.
When a man and woman make their wedding vows they are making a commitment. They are entering a covenant relationship with each other. Romantic feeling will come and go in the best of relationships. This does NOT mean that love comes and goes! The commitment based on the will of God stands even when the feelings wane. When we choose to stand on that commitment in time the feelings will come back. The absence of the “ooey gooey” feelings does not mean love is dead and certainly does not mean a marriage should be ended.
Often when a couple comes into the counselor’s office with marital problems those feelings are gone for one person or for both. Can the counselor speak those feelings back into being? We wish we could. What we can do is help the couple realize ways in which they need to get back to the attitudes and actions of 1 Corinthians 13 (patience, kindness, unselfishness, humility etc.). We can help them improve communication skills, conflict resolution skills, and problem solving skills. If there is underlying commitment and goodwill we can help them see this and to understand the value of these things. A counselor can provide a relatively safe place for resentments, fears, and hurts to be discussed. Silly love songs don’t deal with things like these. Facing these things together can bring about the birth or restoration of a solid love relationship. That’s what this Soul Doctor thinks.
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