Levels of Forgiveness

Levels of Forgiveness

By Rev. Frank J. Busbey, M.A.R., M.A., LPC

Forgiveness is both simple and complex! Much of the complexity comes from the fact that there are different levels of forgiveness and we mistakenly think of it as simply one thing.

Level One – forgiving with our will (Volitional Forgiveness). At this level we consider the wrong that has been done to us and the person who has done the wrong and we choose to forgive. We have full and complete control over this level of forgiveness. I believe this is the forgiveness commanded in the Bible. We have control over it, we can choose to do it or choose not to do, and therefore we are responsible for the choice we make.

Level Two – emotional forgiveness. We can make the choice above and yet for a time still feel hurt, indignation, anger when we think about what was done to us or simply see the wrong doer. Does this mean we have not forgiven? Yes and no! If we have sincerely decided to forgive we have given volitional forgiveness – forgiveness with our will. We can often do this pretty quickly in many cases. But even once that decision is made, a wounded heart still takes time to heal. Emotional forgiveness can take months or even years in some cases.

Forgiving with our will and standing by it can help emotional forgiveness to take place. Repeatedly go back to the Lord in prayer and discussing with Him the fact you have chosen to forgive and asking over and over for healing grace to fully let go of the wound will promote that healing. On the other hand, if we choose to replay the wrong over and over and fume over the perceived mistreatment – we slow down any chance of reaching to point of healing and full forgiveness. There is a story about a father named Henry, with a prized Siamese cat and a stubborn teen age son. The son repeatedly refused to cut the grass until his father’s threatened to take away all electronics for a month if he did not cut the grass before sundown. The thought of doing without his I-phone, I-pod, laptop, TV etc for a month motivated the young man to put his headphones on and drag out and half heartedly cut the lawn. Not only were there Mohawks in the lawn, the son ran over and killed the prized Siamese cat. The father was grief stricken and furious. The father stormed out with a shovel, buried the cat in the garden, but left the tail sticking out of the ground. “Henry”, his wife said, “you didn’t bury the poor cat’s tail!” “I know”, said Henry, “every time I get upset with that boy I am going to pull that cat out of the ground and remind him what he did!” Are there cattails sticking up in the garden of your heart?

This stage can take time and work! It may take repeatedly taking the offense and your wounds back to the cross and going back to Level One, “Father, with your help I choose to forgive the person who wronged me.”

Level Three – volitional, emotional, spiritual forgiveness. This comes about when we have faithfully gone back to level one over and over when the hurt, anger etc. has raised its head in our hearts. For the believer, when we make it a matter of prayer the Holy Spirit empowers us and moves our spirit toward this point.

“Can I Forgive a Person who Does NOT Ask for Forgiveness?” This is not a simple question. I believe the answer is a bit of “yes” and a bit of “no”. On the one hand we need to have a forgiving spirit as soon in the process as possible. It is destructive, even crippling to allow the root of bitterness to grow in your heart. An unforgiving spirit is like a cancer. Hebrew 12:15 , ¹⁵ See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled; “ Heb 12:14-15 (ESV)

This question does lead to another level of forgiveness:

Level Four – Relational forgiveness. This level involves full, unrestricted restoration of the relationship. We have full ownership and responsibility for the first three levels of forgiveness. This level, however, is dependent on the actions of the other person. In Ephesians 4:32 the Apostle Paul writes, “³² Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”Eph 4:32 (ESV) How does God forgive us? Fully and completely AFTER we repent and seek forgiveness from Him. God does not give forgiveness until we ask for it! His heart is forgiving. He desires to forgive us. But He does not forgive until we come to Him in repentance. In the same way, we cannot give full relational forgiveness to someone who is unwilling to receive it. There are times in which it would unsafe (emotionally or physically) to restore relationship where there has not been profound repentance and transformation.

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