Conflict Zone or Safe Haven part two

Theology of Marriage – part 2

Genesis 2:18-25

Vs 23 - 25, (ESV) ²³Then the man said, "This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man."

²⁴ Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. ²⁵And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

Marriage is Divinely intended to meet man and woman’s deepest earthly need for intimacy. I believe we are created to yearn for the kind of oneness and acceptance Adam and Eve enjoyed in the garden. We earnestly desire to truly be one flesh with a partner we can be also be naked and not ashamed with.

“One flesh” includes the sexual act, but also much more. “Naked and not ashamed” – also much more than just lacking clothing without embarrassment. They Include emotional and spiritual openness and full disclosure of our heart.

Remember, these two, Adam and Eve, were innocent humans free from any taint or impairment of sin. No brokenness to deal with – no taint of inner sin, no influence of sinful society, no baggage of imperfect parenting. Few if any marriages will perfectly reach this level of intimacy. And yet this is what we yearn for.

Safe Haven Marriage

Dr. Archibald Hart and his daughter Dr. Sharon May developed the concept of “Safe Haven Marriage” out of Emotion Focused Therapy. I believe this gels with the theology we’ve considered.

Premise – We long for a caring, connected relationship in which you are each heard, understood, valued and a source of love and comfort for each other. We are created to yearn for a relationship as close to Genesis 2 as we can get!

6 Key Building Blocks of a Safe Haven Marriage:

Chosen and Committed

Trust

Available and Attuned

Responsive

Repair

Becoming (self reflect, influenceable, willing to grow/change/mature)

Conflict Zone or Safe Haven part 0ne

Conflict will happen! It is unavoidable – remember our theology – we are ALL born with a sin nature (Psalm 51), been raised by fallen, imperfect people in a society that is in rebellion against God (Ephesians 2). So marriage = 2 fallen sinners bringing all their selfishness and baggage into the relationship. How can any who knows these truths expect marriage to be easy?

“If I find the right person marriage will be easy and we won’t have to work so hard at it.” Many think that way, but it is a lie from the pit of hell! Because of the universality of sin even the best marriages will take a lot of hard work. Write it down, in every marriage conflict is going to happen.

John Gottman’s research

(30 years of research with over 1,000 couples studied.) 69% of couple arguments (in good and bad relationships) are about perpetual problems. The difference? Distressed couples get gridlocked on the perpetual issues but Happy couples develop a “dialogue with perpetual problems.” Gridlock happens when one or both partners takes a "my way or the highway" stance on perpetual problems. This is a recipe for failure!

Dialogue with perpetual problems

We need to learn to resolve the resolvable, and communicate about the unresolvable! Resolution of perpetual problems is not what matters! What matters?

1. The affect, the emotion felt and shown. Even anger is acceptable, but contempt and rejection are not.

2. The ability to exchange viewpoints. We need to be able to clearly tell our spouse what we think and what we want. We also need to be able to hear what they think and want with respect. You need to be able to give your spouse the message, “I like you and accept you, but will you please do everything you can to change in this area – but I am committed to you even if you are not able to change.”

3. Continued dialogue. The issue is not avoided, gridlock and contempt are avoided. Nagging is replaced by honest, compassionate discussion. “I see the effort you are making to be aware of my needs, is there a way I can help?” instead of “You are hopeless and insensitive and never think of anyone but yourself!”

Two “Staples” of Marriages that Work

1. 1. An overall level of positive affect. In plain English, more positive feelings than negative ones.

2. 2. An ability to reduce negative affect during conflict resolution. Both the ability to sooth yourself and to sooth your partner. Can you often calm yourself down when you start to get angry? Can you effectively help your partner calm down?

How to End Marital Combat Or – How I Dropped My Sword and Shield and Learned to Love my Spouse

Nearly always marital conflict comes to involve childish behavior and condescending communication. A marital fight often resembles a middle school screaming match more than an adult discussion. The challenge is to own up to your own misbehavior and not get fixed on what you see as your spouse’s childishness. If they are acting childish it is very unlikely they will receive it well from you! Digging in your heels to try to force them to admit THEIR mistakes is likely to escalate the conflict not defuse it.

AVOID CROSS COMMUNICATION: Often one or both partners try to talk adult to child. “If you were responsible with our money, we wouldn’t be in this situation!” The result is you come across condescending and trigger more anger. Either your spouse gets hooked and reacts like a rebellious teenager, “You can’t tell me what to do!” Or, they try a reversal and talk down to you. It is not unusual for parts of a fight to involve child to child communication, “You NEVER listen to me” “You never respect me”.

SPEAK ADULT TO ADULT: The trick is to choose to genuinely speak to your mate adult to adult. This means no put downs, no sarcasm, no tricks and no games. We need to aim to treat our spouse (and other family members) with the same degree of respect and courtesy that we usually give to co-workers and common strangers! Sadly, we usually reserve our worst behavior for those closest to us. Relaxing and letting our hair down is one thing. Being mean and disrespectful is something else entirely.

DROP YOUR SWORD AND SHIELD! In the midst of a marital fight our body is reacting similarly as though we were confronted by an angry bear or were in the middle of combat. Brain scans show we use different parts of brains during anger or fear than we do when we are calm. These parts of the brain are not equipped for good reasoning, accurate memory, or fair assessments.

Part of “dropping your sword and shield” is adopting a team mentality. Your spouse is not your enemy. They are your team mate in life. The enemy is the misunderstanding or situation that causes marital stress. You and your spouse are on the same team. If one of you loses, the team loses. The team concept means you have to aim for win-win solutions.

Dropping your sword and shield will mean agreeing that either of you can call a time out at any time. Once either person has shifted into “flight or fight” mode constructive communication is pretty much impossible. A time out is needed. It’s o.k. to call a time out. It’s not o.k. to say “YOU need a time out!” (See “Avoid Cross Communication” above.) Either partner needs the right to call a time out at any time. Rather than anger, the problem may be exhaustion, a genuine lack of time due to unchangeable scheduling, emotionally not being ready. BUT WHOEVER CALLS A TIME OUT MUST TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR SUGGESTING A TIME TO RESUME THE CONVERSATION. A Time Out is not an excuse to stuff, bury or avoid.

Dropping your sword and shield means no name calling, no passive aggressive digs, no accusing, no eye rolling, and no sarcasm.

For more on communication in marriage see the two part “Do You Hear What I Hear” in my March 2010 blogs.

Conflct Resolution

(These are notes for a talk given to the Southeast Baptist Association pastors' gathering 10-4-10)

1. Conflict will happen _ See Acts chapter 6.

“Wherever 2 or 3 Baptist are gathered together there will be 4 or 5 opinions.”

The Bible is true, we are all fallen, and therefore we WILL have conflict.

2. Conflict can be good – See Acts 15:36-41

Your church is a body. Conflict is the body crying out, “I am hurting, listen to me.”

Conflict is an opportunity to make needed midcourse corrections or refine the focus of your ministry with a team committed to common goals.

I BELIEVE THE MAJOR KEY TO MANAGING AND RESOLVING CONFLICT IS COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION.

Communication is much more abstract and therefore much more difficult that we usually realize. “I know you think you know that you believe you understand what you believe I said.” Every time we speak there are multiple messages bouncing around the room. This is by no means totally complete – There is what you intend to say. There is what you actually say. There is what you think you said. There is the message that each hearer believes you said.

Do you see how this can contribute to conflict and make the resolution of conflict very tricky indeed?
The hardest part of communication? #2 Framing a message well so that it is more likely to be properly understood. #1 Listening with accurate empathy.

3. James 1:19 “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” - LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN

If people feel they are not being listened to they will get more and more frustrated and angry. If people feel they are not being heard they will either intensify the conflict or leave the church.

“Listening with accurate empathy” = Listen to their hearts and not just their heads = pay attention to what people are feeling, not just what they are saying.

I believe people are more likely to fire a pastor because of what they feel about him than what they think about him. (Agree or disagree?)

3b. PRACTICE ACTIVE LISTENING SKILLS
See: http://stress.about.com/od/relationships/ht/howtolisten.htm - also good model for brief pastoral counseling.

Do not interrupt. Do not start planning your rebuttal. LISTEN FOR CONTENT AND EMOTION

Reframe what you have heard, “I believe I heard you say that you feel disrespected because you believe I did not listen to your request that I stop preaching 45 minute sermons while your roast is home burning on the stove, did I hear you correctly?”

Reframing = letting them know you are trying to hear them and giving them a chance to correct misunderstandings.
ACTIVE LISTENING IS ALSO EXTREMELY IMPORTANT IN MARRIAGES AND DEALING WITH YOUR CHILDREN!
‘Ten Strategies for Conflict Resolution’ (really 13!)- at least #3, 8, 9, 13 have to do with communication!
http://www.khpa.ks.gov/healthquest/download/resource_downloads/conflictresolution.pdf

4. What is the real message of the conflict?

What does it say about your church, the ministry of the church.

4b. What is the real issue?

“The issue is never the issue.”

Is it fear, power, control, unresolved anger or unforgiveness for what Pete’s daddy did to Joe’s uncle?

5. What do you feel about the situation?

FEEL not think & WHY do you feel that?

Are you fearful? Angry? Hurt?

Be aware of your feelings 1. So they do not drive your decision making unknown to you. 2. So they do not inappropriately erupt at a harmful time.
5b. How do you feel about conflict?

Hate it? Fear it? Love to butt heads to make your point?

How was conflict dealt with in your family of origin? What was your role in dealing with conflict in your family of origin?

6. If it’s not the fourth quarter don’t go for broke!

You can seldom settle a serious conflict in one meeting. Set realistic goals for preliminary meetings. Defining the issues and letting all parties know they are loved, respected and have a voice must be done upfront and may take a couple of meetings by themselves.

So, don’t put pressure on yourself to “fix” things quickly. But know you must quickly let people know you care and you are listening to all sides.

7. Some losses are really gains.

Apply this carefully – not all losses are gains. But some are.
Some people have something constructive to offer the kingdom of God as part of another church but not yours! Their personalities or gifting may not fit in your church.

My Husband Has a Problem with Porn

1. It is NOT your fault – it is about his weakness and sin, it is not about you.

2. Sadly, you are not alone. This is not universal. All men do NOT do it. But a lot do. Even Christian men. There are many Christian women who are facing the same thing you are.

3. You can not fix him, control him, or manage his behavior. It is his responsibility to get help. You can choose to give him an ultimatum. If you do, you need to mean it and stick to it. Done properly, that is not manipulation or controlling, it is drawing healthy boundaries and putting the responsibility in his hands.

4. You have a right to your anger. Forgiveness and rebuilding trust can be dealt with later. If you have discovered his misbehavior or relapse into misbehavior recently, right now you have to give voice to the outrage and betrayal you feel. If you are numb and feeling nothing, that too is o.k. It will pass and it is likely you will face a good deal of anger at some point.

5. Even though it is his responsibility, you need to reach out for help and support. Some areas have support groups for wives of male sex addicts. A few carefully chosen female friends or family members can be helpful. Counseling to deal with your hurt and future direction may be needed whether he is ready for help or not.

6. If his misbehavior has included physical contact you would be wise to be tested for STD’s. It is embarrassing, but we are talking about your long term health.

The Suffering Pearl

The American Association of Christian Counselors posted the following:

“The Pearl...

Ugly, with a hard crusty shell. They just lay around in murky shallows doing nothing. Virtually useless. Certainly never able to produce anything of value and worth. They are called oysters. Inside of these crusty creatures a miracle often occurs. Somehow a foreign substance slips into the oyster between the mantle and the shell. It’s kind of like the oyster getting a splinter. It is painful. However, upon penetrating the outer shell, the “splinter” encounters a natural phenomenon. The oyster’s natural reaction is to begin to cover the irritant with layer after layer of a hard, smooth, colorful substance. Over time, a beautiful, valuable pearl has been created.

Maybe something incredibly painful is stuck in your heart. It is there. You feel it every moment of every day. It won’t go away. It seems as if the pain never lets up. You wonder if relief will ever come. The Apostle Paul reminds us in Romans 8:28… “We know that for those who love God, ALL things work together for good…” The “splinters” of life can be used by God to make us look more like Jesus (vs29). Verse 31 encourages us by declaring… if God is for us, who can be against us?
Whatever it is that has wounded you…take it to Him in prayer. Let him cover it with His Grace…layer by layer. Hang in there with Him through the healing process, and that pain will eventually be transformed into a valuable, beautiful pearl.

“Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for Righteousness,
for they shall be satisfied.” Matthew 5:6 “

(My thoughts on that…..) Our natural and understandable instinct when hardship comes is desiring for it to end and leave us ASAP! In counseling we sometimes get caught up in the client’s desire for the pain to end immediately. But often God has a work to do through the pain. It may be pruning sin and selfishness from us. It may be deepening our faith. It may be softening our hearts towards others. It is always in some way making us more like Jesus.

Suffering is not pleasant and we should not seek it. But sometimes we have to endure it in faith and let God work in it and through it. As we minister in the lives of others, without glibness or self-righteousness, we often need to sit with them in their suffering, not offering easy answers or quick fixes. Pray for the Holy Spirit to give you sensitivity to Him AND to your suffering friend/parishioner/client. You may need to gently ask some questions that lead them to grow through the pain. Be sure your relationship gives you the right to ask those questions and do it with humility.

Romans 5:3-5 (ESV) “More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."

And finally, James 1:2-4 from The Message, " 2 -4Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way. "

The Power of Your Story

I’m sure someone has pointed out to how often Jesus used stories (think “Parables”) to teach. Most of us love a good story. I find it so much easier to get into a novel than a non-fiction book. I think one reason I love my work as a counselor is I get paid to listen to people tell their stories all day long! Stories are not just interesting, they have great potential to be powerful, even life changing. That is why Jesus used them so much. In the book of Revelation we are told “they overcame by the blood of the Lamb and by their testimony.” What is their testimony? The story of the work of Christ in their life.

Understanding the story of your life can be powerful. Christian psychologist Dan Allender wrote a book, “To Be Told” that guides the reader through steps to see their past as a story that leads to a healthier future.
The Bible is a story. It is a story of creation, sin, wandering and redemption. Above all it is a love story. God is the Author of this love story. And He is the Author of the story of your life. “What about human free will and responsibility?” That is the subject for another blog!

For right now I would challenge you to think of your life as a story God is orchestrating and ask what lessons you can learn from the story of your life so far. What does it show about your heart, your hopes, your deepest desires? What does it show about God? What clues might you find about what the next chapter might look like? Keep in mind the story is not a finished work. Remember your story intersects countless other stories and our infinite, wise God is writing all these stories into one great story of victory and redemption through pain and tragedy.

I am finding that much of my work as a counselor is to hear what my clients tell me and help them hear what they have told me. What I mean is people often don’t realize what they have said. When they are in a safe place and begin opening their heart they pour out wisdom from their life and about their life without realizing it. When I cut in and give my understanding of what they’ve said sometimes they correct me, sometimes they react as if I’ve just said something profoundly wise – all I’ve done is reflect back what they have revealed. Sometimes their correction of my misunderstanding leads them or me to a key understanding. Very often the telling of their story and their increased understanding of it through hearing it reflected is a key to growth and healing.

It might be helpful to take time to sit down pray for the Lord to lead you and either write your story out or speak it into a recorder. Then prayerfully review it and ask some of the questions above and others that come to your mind. What do you learn from the story and from the questions and answers? What questions do your ‘answers’ lead to?

Another option would be to seek out a counselor or a spiritual director and let God lead and speak through them. Just be open to the power of your story.