Lament for a Father I Hardly Knew

A few months ago, Nov. 29 of last year, my father drank some Jack Daniels, put a gun to his head and ended his life.  A complex and somewhat colorful life ended.  My hopes for a better relationship with my father died as well.

Frank Junior Busbey was born August 7, 1926.  His family was from Missouri but came to reside in Joliet, Illinois.  Dad was the oldest child in his family.  He had 5 brothers and one sister.

I have pictures of me and Dad when I was probably around 2 years old.  He and Mom had divorced around that time.  I believe I was 5 or 6 years old the Christmas Dad sent me a cowboy outfit as a present (one of two presents he gave me during my childhood).  I thought it was coolest thing and still have a picture somewhere of my young self showing out in that outfit. But the first time I remember meeting him I was 8 years old.  Dad was in the Air Force and he never visited.  One of his uncles committed suicide when I was 8 and Dad came to town for the funeral.  He spent a few hours with my sister, Dianne, and me.  He took us up in a small airplane!  That was quite a day for an 8 year old boy – meeting your father and going up in an airplane for the first time.

The next time I saw Dad I was 11 years old.  He had just married his third wife, Lee, and came through town on his way from Alaska to Florida.  For a week I slept in his camper with his new family.  We went fishing, glued model planes together and hung out.  My Step-mother was nice.  Her 10 year old daughter was bratty, but probably no brattier than I was!  Dad told me he wanted to take me with him on a trip through Virginia to meet his new wife’s family.  Dianne and I didn’t think my Mom would go along with that, but Dad told me, “Never say never, son.” The week ended with my Mom having a very heated exchange with Dad.  I didn’t know that Dad was asking Mom to give him custody of me.  She was a furious Momma-bear and my Step-dad was right behind her ready to step in.  Dad left.  There were postcards and letters for awhile.  They stopped.  I didn’t see him again until my first wedding when I was 19.

In my twenties I probably saw Dad 4 or 5 times.  He and Lee came to visit my family and me a couple of times.  In 1981 we flew to Homestead, Florida and spend several days with him and Lee.  Phone calls were once or twice a year for awhile, less often after that.  When I was 31 or 32 Dad got married for the 4^th time.  His bride to be was a much younger woman from South America who spoke little English.  Dad spoke very little Spanish.  Dad asked me to perform the wedding.  His multiple marriages created a problem for me.  The greater problem was I knew it would devastate my mother if I did that.  Dad was offended by my refusal, and we lost contact for a while.  At some point one of us reached out to the other.  But whatever relationship we had was never the same again. 

For the last 30 years of his life I saw my father 3 or 4 times.  For most of my adult life, and all of the past 10 years or so, what little contact we had was initiated by me.  We were always warm and friendly to each other when we talked.  But as I saw his continued failure to reach out to me, I reached a point where I had little desire to even try.

Dad was married to his 5^th wife, Jo, 25 years.  In our few phone talks he told me her health was declining for the past several years.  

Dad did attend my first wedding in 1971.  When my first wife, Karen, died in 2002 Dad flew up for the funeral.  When my sister, his daughter, Diane died in 2005 died came to her funeral.  That was the last time I saw my father alive.  

In June of 2010 I accepted a job in Brunswick, Georgia and was only 3 hours from where Dad and Jo were living in High Springs, Florida.  Several months ago I called Dad and offered to come down to visit him.  He seemed cold and indifferent to the idea.  He indicated he could squeeze me in while he did his chores.  I chose not to bother him.

Jo died this past November 15.  Dad had told me of her illness, but did not tell me of her death.  I called him November 27 to check on Jo and him.  He told me of her death and his intense grief.  I felt I could somewhat understand that grief.  I tried to offer sympathy and offered to come down and check on him.  I intended to be there for him, to offer support and see what relationship we could build from this point.  He seemed to warm up to that idea and talked of introducing me to his friends.  Dad also told me of being so grief stricken 8 days before that that he had taken a pistol and held it to his head before deciding to continue living.  I asked if he was still having thoughts like that.  He assured me he did not and talked of plans to move ahead in life.  He seemed to be no danger to himself at that moment.  Two days later he allowed the darkness to swallow him. Since his death there have been accusations that he was murdered and things were staged to make it look like suicide.  But the official findings lists the cause of death as suicide.  All of this complicates the family's grief.

My father was a complex man.  Bluntly, I knew him to be self-centered and selfish.  My Mother always told me my father was a bad man.  Things I have heard since his death lead me to fear he was an evil man.  yet, even if that is true, there was good mixed in with all the rest. At my sister’s funeral just moments before I was start the service he told me that when he died he would stand before God and tell Him, “I did it my way.”  I do not know what my father said to the Ruler of the universe when he stood before Him, if anything.  But I am quite certain it was not that phrase. 

I performed Dad’s funeral.  It was tough, but God was truly gracious.  I did not preach him into heaven nor hell.  I simply stated that his eternal destiny is in the hands of the just and merciful Judge of all.

I have come to realize that in the providence of God it is likely I am far better off that my father had such a small role in my life.  But a man grieves the loss both of a distant relationship and of the small hope I had at the end for more.  Somewhere inside of me a little boy grieves the loss of the father he never had.

Shame, Shame part two

The Birth of Shame.

Shame is not a natural thing for us.  Our first ancestors were created without shame!  “²¹So the LORD God made him fall into a deep sleep, and he took out one of the man's ribs. Then after closing the man's side, ²²the LORD made a woman out of the rib.
   The LORD God brought her to the man, ²³and the man exclaimed,
   "Here is someone like me!
   She is part of my body,
   my own flesh and bones.
   She came from me, a man.
   So I will name her Woman!" ^{[d] 24}That's why a man will leave his own father and mother. He marries a woman, and the two of them become like one person.    ²⁵Although the man and his wife were both naked, they were not ashamed.”  (Genesis 2:21-25, CEV).


That last sentence is pregnant with meaning.  Literally Adam and Eve wore no clothing and felt no embarrassment about that.  Going deeper, I believe it shows us they had nothing to hide from each other in any way whatever!  They had never done anything wrong or shameful.  They had never spoken foolishly.  They had never had an impure or cruel thought.  And, as they were at that moment, they never would have done any of these things.  They were free to be fully intimate because they really had absolutely no shame!  Wow!  We can envy them.

Tragically, things changed.  The snake whispered to Eve that God was keeping the good stuff from her and Adam.  She got defensive and curious. Then she gave in and Adam joined right in. “⁶The woman stared at the fruit. It looked beautiful and tasty. She wanted the wisdom that it would give her, and she ate some of the fruit. Her husband was there with her, so she gave some to him, and he ate it too. ⁷Right away they saw what they had done, and they realized they were naked. Then they sewed fig leaves together to make something to cover themselves.
    ⁸Late in the afternoon a breeze began to blow, and the man and woman heard the LORD God walking in the garden. They were frightened and hid behind some trees.”  (Genesis 3:6-8, CEV).

Do you see the instant shift there?  From “naked (and) not ashamed” to “Adam, you ain’t got no clothes on and you’d better cover up man! (While I grab my own fig leaves)”  SHAME!  Embarrassment!  The need to cover up. Again, literally they felt the need to put fig leaves over their private parts.  But on a deeper level man and woman would never again be able to fully expose their hearts to one another without some degree of shame.  From that moment on the sexes have covered up much of themselves from each other. 

But the effects of shame get worse than this!  Look at that eighth verse again: “    ⁸Late in the afternoon a breeze began to blow, and the man and woman heard the LORD God walking in the garden. They were frightened and hid behind some trees.”  Many Bible scholars believe Adam and Eve had enjoyed daily, or at least frequent visits with their Creator God.  Now they hear God approaching and it is not enjoyment or happy anticipation that they feel!   THEY ARE AFRAID AND THEY TRY TO HIDE FROM GOD! 
God plays along and asks “Where are you?”  (Among the saddest three words in the Bible!)  Adam replies, "I was naked, and when I heard you walking through the garden, I was frightened and hid!"  Shame!  True shame because they had broken the only commandment they had!  True shame because they had believed the lies from darkness over the truth and light of God!  “I’m naked.  I’m exposed.  “I’m unworthy because I have done evil.  I chose evil.  I am evil.”  

Shame has been born.  This cruel invader has entered human existence.  Satan gave the seed of falsehood.  Eve and then Adam have taken it in.  They have conceived and given birth to shame.  And so we still suffer the presence of this hideous invader.

Shame, shame!

“Shame is the intensely powerful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging” Brene Brown.

Shame is “the swampland of the soul.” Carl Jung.

“To suffer shame is to feel that the true self with all its defects is exposed, naked and vulnerable to the damning judgment and criticism of others.” Teyber.

So far this is all safe, academic and sanitary.  Let me bring it down to earth for you:  As a child I felt shame because I stuttered and was viciously teased about it.  I felt inferior, broken, stupid.  In sixth grade I felt shame when a (former) friend sneeringly made reference to my (second) step-father’s excessive drinking.  This was humiliating.  His mom and dad were still married to each other.  The police never came to his house because of drunken violence.  He made sure I realized this and I felt dirty, cheap, exposed.  We all have our “shame stories”.  Think about yours for a moment before moving on. .......... 

Then ask yourself, “Was that really reason for shame?”  “Do I still carry any of that shame?”  “Where WAS God, really?” (Not accusing Him, but applying your more mature understanding of theology to this as a real question.)  “Does the Gospel say anything about this shame?”  “Can I learn anything about myself, life, or God from this?”  “Do I need to let go of this more fully?”

Shame v. Guilt

Psychological studies indicate we develop a sense of shame at around 18 – 24 months of age.  Guilt seems to be developed later at around 3 – 4 years of age.  We can differentiate by saying guilt relates to what we do and shame relates to who we are.  Guilt has to do with morals, with right and wrong.  Shame has to do with who we see ourselves to be, our intrinsic goodness or badness, with our intrinsic worth or lack of worth.  We can feel shame about something we have done or failed to do, but it still goes deeper to what that action or inaction says about US.

In this sense we can be guilty and not know it because we lack knowledge or character, but when we feel shame we are painfully aware of it.  Ultimately, true guilt has an absolute standard.  The law of the land determines legal guilt.  The law of God determines true moral guilt.  Again, in both cases we may be guilty and not know it.  

Shame is determined by the standards we have internalized.  These may be informed by the Bible.  They are virtually always shaped by family and culture.  For example, in the United States with our highly individualistic culture we may feel shame if we fail to speak up for ourselves.  But in Japan with their more communal/family oriented culture an individual who defends themselves under pressure may feel shame because they have dishonored their family or employer.  Like with guilt, we can say there is true shame (about things we should feel shamed) and false shame (shaped by unreliable standards).  A person who grew up in a family of body builders and feels shame because they cannot bench press 300 lbs. needs to reevaluate their standards!  Likewise, more seriously, the person who grew up with perfectionistic, demanding parents and feels painful shame for getting a 95 on a test is suffering from false shame. 

 

A classic Twilight Zone episode features a woman getting repeated, unsuccessful plastic surgery to correct her hideous, shameful “deformity”.  Once again the surgery is unsuccessful and we finally see her face – her knock down, gorgeous, beautiful face!  The surgeons remove their masks to reveal their hideously deformed faces!  Her sense of shame was shaped by a standard we would find ridiculous.  Sometimes our feelings of shame are based on standards just as warped!  Those feelings are still painful and potentially debilitating.

The Dark Side of Shame.

Shame is often destructive and crippling.  Patrick Carnes in his ground breaking work on the cycle of sexual addiction sees shame as the root of the addiction.  He puts shame at the top of the cycle and as a lynch pin in perpetuating the cycle.  The overpowering wave of remorse that often hits the addict after sexual misbehavior and sin adds emotional fuel that helps perpetuate the cycle.  For the believer that shameful remorse may masquerade as conviction and repentance.  But it is neither!  Holy Spirit conviction always draws the sinner to God and His grace.  Repentance is Spirit empowered commitment to turn from sin.  Shameful remorse is feeling hopelessly dirty, despicable, vile, sickening.  There is a hatred for what the addict has just done, but it falls short of truly leaning on the Holy Spirit for transformation.  There is usually also a deep hatred of self.    If the addict does not deal with the issues driving the addiction the painful remorse sinks out of conscious awareness, mostly, and eventually adds to the pool of negative emotion he is trying to medicate with the addiction.  

For some shame is the “de-motivator” that perpetuates underperformance, repeated failure, over eating, under exercising, isolation and withdrawal from relationships.  It is the painful conviction that you are too stupid to get your GED, too unlovable to be worthy of losing weight.   Shame can be the voice of a long deceased parent echoing in your mind “Shut up, you’re so stupid, you’re so ugly no one will ever want you….”  If I’m that defective, why try?

Can Shame be Good? 

The power of shame is not always destructive.  Shame can be a positive force in our lives at times!  Intensely felt shame can be used by the Holy Spirit to motivate us to change things that really are shameful.  A husband who feels deep shame over cheating on his wife may be motivated by that shame to seek God’s grace to never yield to that temptation again.  Hopefully he will also seek help to understand what drove him there so the Holy Spirit can heal any wounds and reduce the likelihood of repeating that failure.  It is unhealthy to fail to feel shame when we have behaved in a shameful way.  A key is what we do when we feel shame.

That’s a lot to chew on.  At least it was for me.  More to come.

My Life Changed in a Moment - a personal note on grief and loss

My life changed in a moment. There was no going back and I didn’t know what going forward would mean.

10 years ago October 27 started as a lazy Saturday morning. My wife, Karen, and I had each been under the weather, she more so than me. The day before she underwent a CT scan and we hoped to find out Monday what had been causing the pain in her side. A little after 9 a.m. the phone rang. Karen’s doctor’s office wanted both of us to come in that morning. With few words exchanged we got in the car and drove the 15 minutes into Delaware, Ohio knowing it was cancer. Fearing it would mean years of surgery, chemo and uncertainty. It was far worse than that. Fourth stage, inoperable pancreatic cancer….. prognosis – 6 to 12 months to live. It seemed painfully unreal as we fell into each other’s arms and wept. We were shell shocked most of that day as we each tried to process it and make plans for telling people. That night we gave up trying to sleep around 2 a.m.

The next afternoon, around 30 hours after being told she was going to die I heard Karen tell her youngest sister, Carolyn, “I have no regrets. I’m content. I’ve had a good life. The Lord allowed me to raise my children and no man could have loved me more than that man across the room!” 47 years old, facing nearly certain death, and she was content!

For the next 5 months and 3 weeks I witnessed Karen living out that testimony. Even as her health declined she never once complained. She allowed the grace of God to carry her through sickness and death in faith and Spirit-filled dignity. April 20, 2002 around 2:45 a.m. her battle with cancer came to an end and she slipped into the arms of our Lord surrounded by her children, their spouses, her sisters, mother and me.

We were painfully left without her. After a time of weeping, we joined hands in a circle of love and I led us in a prayer of thanksgiving for Karen’s life.

Ten years. I have gone through a lot of pain in those years. By God’s grace I’ve also experienced some healing and growth. I’ve wept, wailed and shook my puny fists at God. Even then He held my hand! I’ve had to wipe tears as I write this today. I’ve been blessed with another wonderful, Christ loving wife, Diane. Yet I still miss Karen and look forward to the day we walk together again.

In the midst of all of the pain and loss I see God’s amazing grace at work. The awesome grace He gave Karen to face her illness and death with contentment. The persistent grace He has showered on me through my grief and unwillingness to let go.

There are people deeply impacted by all of this I’ve said little about; my sons, sisters-in-law, and mother-in-law. Their love and patience has meant so much to me. But they each have their loss and pain. I honor that and know that is their story for them to tell as they choose.

Today I remember, I grieve, I hope in the resurrection of Jesus Christ.

Safe Places, Pharisees and Parking Lots!

“I was not in safety, neither had I rest, neither was I quiet; yet trouble came.” Job 3:26, KJV. I believe a major part of my ministry as a pastoral counselor is creating a safe place for the people who come into my office. Many have never been to a counselor before and have a lot of fear and misgivings. Prayerfully, with the help of God I try to help people come to feel safe, secure, loved and accepted.

Interestingly, the English Standard Version translates that first phrase in Job 3:26, “I am not at ease…” A safe place is place where people can be at ease to open their hearts and pour out the weights, the burdens the hurts that have festered for years or even decades. We all have times we need a safe place where we can say what we have never said before.

Part of why my office is a safe place is legally as a licensed professional counselor I must maintain confidentiality. What is said here stays here.

Perhaps a larger reason it is a safe place is Biblical values. I see in Scripture the high importance of compassion, mercy, and acceptance. I see in Scripture that wonderful, godly people sometimes blow it in major ways (just think of David, Moses and Peter = an adulterer, 2 murderers and 2 liars)! Without condoning sin a pastoral counselor must accept people as they are – broken bearers of the image of God. (See my post "Are We Good, Bad, or Ugly?") We all need a place where we can be ourselves and not feel judged or rejected.

Mark and Debra Laaser lists "Safety" as one of the universal 7 desires of the human heart. What are you doing to help people in your life find safety?

Is your church a safe place where people can take off their masks and share their hurts, fears, struggles and failures? Too many churches are the exact opposite - people are expected to put on their "Sunday Morning Smile" and pretend they have it all together. Isn't that what the Pharisees did? Yet Jesus said He came for the sick not the "whole".

AA meetings and SA and NA meeting are designed to safe places for recovering addicts. They usually succeed at it better than most churches. How can we make our churches safe place where broken people can seek healing and wholeness in Christ? Maybe the call to worship might capture the spirit of "Hi, my name is Frank and I'm a sinner. I haven't sinned since Harold cut me off in the church parking lot and took my parking place!" Something to chew on!

Are We Good, Bad or Ugly?

Are people born good or born bad? Or should we choose, “All of the above”? We are all born sinners (see Psalm 51 and Ephesians 2). Yet we also bear the image and likeness of God (see Genesis 1). How do we hold these truths in tension with each other?

My understanding of Scripture, the news, and what I hear in my office every day leads me to believe we are all a complex mixture of good and evil. While it is warped and twisted by sin, the image of God is in every single human being. We have intelligence, talent, some measure of compassion and love. Even unbelieving people can do wonderfully kind and generous things. But as the old theologians correctly say, we are totally depraved. This does not mean we are as bad as we possibly can be. It means that every part of our being is touched in some measure by the taint of sin. It further means we can do absolutely nothing that contributes to our salvation outside of the working of God’s grace. Some have chosen to avoid the term "Total Depravity" and have replaced it with options such as "Total Inability", meaning we have no ability to save ourselves or contribute to our salvation.

I am not surprised when a person who does great good is found to have also done great evil. When a successful pastor comes to counseling because he is struggling with addiction to vile pornography I am saddened but not shocked. We are all a tragic mixture of God’s image and abject human weakness.

Salvation and the work of the Holy Spirit in sanctification cause a work of healing and transformation to begin. Until death or the rapture, however, we are a work in progress. While our salvation is secure, we need to daily crucify the flesh or we may fall to a level of sin that may shock us. It was one said to be a man after God’s own heart (King David) who committed adultery and murder by proxy.

These truths should lead us toward grace towards others and humility regarding ourselves. Each one of us needs to strive to stay close to Christ and to be accountable to a mature Christian friend.

Who Needs to see a Counselor?

… “I put off coming to you because only crazy people go to counselors!” I hear that fairly often! I usually try to help the client normalize their feelings by agreeing that a lot of people feel that way. But actually everyone has problems and it requires wisdom and a degree of maturity to admit we can benefit from talking to someone with the training and gifts to help.

In fact, some of my most exciting times as a pastoral counselor have been when someone has come simply seeking personal growth. Helping with the overwhelming crises of life is rewarding and makes up much of my work. But even then, once you get past the “help me survive” phase, the focus shifts to helping the person find a way to grow through the crisis God has allowed in their life. Helping people grow in faith, grow in maturity, grow as persons is what Christian counseling is all about. Scripture makes clear that God’s purpose in every believer’s life is for us to be growing more and more into the image of His beloved Son (2 Cor. 3:18; Gal. 4:19; Rom. 8:29).

Sometimes we hit growth barriers that need a more objective viewpoint. If you are there, think of reaching out to someone for help. If you are a pastor and know someone who is there and your schedule doesn’t permit investing the time they need, send them my way!

Assisting in growth is more about asking the right questions than having all the answers. I don’t have all the answers, but I prayerfully work at asking the right kind of questions. Is there something in your past that contributes to this barrier? Is there a way of thinking, an attitude that needs adjustment to move ahead? Are you holding onto something you need to let go of? Is “the problem” really the problem or is there something else going on? The list is endless and has to be tailored for each person.